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The Bachelorette Recap Week 8: It’s over now (basically)

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I hope you all enjoyed Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette, because once JoJo the producers sent Luke home, we’re basically just waiting for JoJo and ARB to break up a week after the finale so ARB can be the 17th guy on a football pregame show.

But since we still have a couple more recaps to go, let’s just get right into it

Bachelor party

I know we normally start with the MVP, but this is way more important.

The producers clearly had two choices entering the taping of the hometown and fantasy suite dates — prolong the Luke vs. ARB drama until the finale or bite the bullet for this season now and invest heavy in Luke The Bachelor. I can’t say I blame them for their choice. Goading Luke into his last-second display of love only to have JoJo crush him minutes later makes him as sympathetic a figure as possible. In fact, it might be borderline genius. Think of it —

  1. Stage the most romantic date possible for Luke and JoJo to make him look like more than a pretty face.
  2. Convince Luke to wait to tell JoJo he loves her until the rose ceremony.
  3. Tell JoJo she has to send Luke home.
  4. Wait for JoJo to stop begging to take Luke to the fantasy suite.
  5. Profit.

But seriously, the producers basically gave themselves two sympathetic, relatable candidates for next season’s Bachelor by forcing JoJo to eliminate Luke and Chase in the most humiliating and painful ways possible. Too bad neither of them will be even remotely interesting.

MVP

JoJo? I mean I don’t know who else to give it to this. At least JoJo called ARB out on his plans for the next year if she picked him. Of course, ARB tried to ply that smooth jazz he’s used over and over (and still kind of worked), telling JoJo he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Except JoJo’s response this time was “That’s what Ben said.”

Damn.

ARB did recover nicely enough. By the time their conversation at dinner was over, ARB once again had smoothed things out well enough. The only question left for these two is who gets what job after the show ends and do they announce the breakup immediately after the finale or wait a few weeks.

Romeo’s balcony

I normally don’t devote two categories to one person, but the goodbye scene between ARB and JoJo deserves it’s own breakdown. First of all, ARB is shirtless in sweatpants in a tropical environment. OK, fine — style over comfort. Second, he pulls the classic Bachelorette move of walking up to the balcony, leaning forward with both of his arms on the railing and staring off into the distance. Starting to get stupid, but this is campy reality TV, so I’ll buy it. But then, in the final and most ridiculous straw, the camera pans out from Jordan’s thoughtful moment to reveal JoJo walking directly below him on the beach below — except HE NEVER CHANGES HIS VIEW. I have seen some absolutely ridiculous things on this show, but this was a slap to the face.

Pawn star

Oh, Robby, you easily manipulated creeper. The only reason you’re still around is the producers can basically get you and your mom to do whatever they want. I’m not sure what Robby thinks he’s going to get out of this agreement, but I can almost guarantee what he actually gets isn’t what he thinks it is.

Robby is probably the least interesting competitor the producers could’ve picked to go up against ARB in the finale. But that tells you all you need to know about this season. They’ve already mailed it in.

Shock and awww

Man, I legitimately feel bad for Chase. He clearly knew he didn’t belong at this point of the competition. He even told JoJo she liked the other guys more than she liked him, but there he was, in the fantasy suite, thinking he had a shot. And then he drops the L bomb, and, boom. JoJo decides THAT’S the minute to call it quits and end this charade.

The worst part of it all is he only said it because JoJo basically goaded him into saying it. Hey, at least he got to come back for that totally useless goodbye scene with JoJo during the rose ceremony.

I think I’m becoming jaded.

 

Random notes

  • My favorite part of the rose ceremony was the monkeys and it’s not that close.
  • Did anyone else hear someone call this week “the romantic overnight dates” or was that just me? That was real, right?
  • Does anyone actually believe Robby’s dad wrote that note? Good, me neither.
  • I find it hilarious how all of them still say “Chris Harrison” at the end of reading the fantasy suite letter.
  • When Robby interrupted Chase’s date and came to JoJo’s room, I shouted “He pulled a Kayla!”
  • ARB was bored AF on that cave hiking date.

Quote of the week

“I was in love with her, but I never got the chance to love her.”

That’s deep, Luke. It’s also completely incomprehensible nonsense, which is a perfect segue for JoJo’s family next week! HEYO!

Alaskan Native Pete Kaiser wins Iditarod sled dog race

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Pete Kaiser won the Iditarod early Wednesday, throwing his arms over his head and pumping his fists as he became the latest Alaska Native to claim victory in the iconic sled dog race.

Kaiser, 31, crossed the finish line in Nome after beating back a challenge from the defending champion, Norwegian musher Joar Ulsom.

Crowds cheered and clapped as Kaiser came off the Bering Sea ice and mushed down Nome’s main street to the famed burled arch finish line. His wife and children greeted him, hugging him at the conclusion of the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race, which began March 3 north of Anchorage.

Kaiser, who is Yupik, is from the southwest Alaska community of Bethel. A large contingent of Bethel residents flew to Nome to witness his victory. Alaska Native dancers and drummers performed near the finish line as they waited for Kaiser to arrive.

Kaiser will receive $50,000 and a new pickup truck for the victory. Four other Alaska Native mushers have won the race, including John Baker, an Inupiaq from Kotzebue, in 2011.

This year’s race was marked by the stunning collapse of Frenchman Nicolas Petit, who was seemingly headed for victory as late as Monday.

Petit, a native of France living in Alaska, had a five-hour lead and was cruising until his dog team stopped running between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

Petit said one dog was picking on another during a rest break, and he yelled at the dog to knock it off. At that point, the entire team refused to run.

Petit had to withdraw, and the dog team had to be taken back to the previous checkpoint by snowmobile.

Fifty-two mushers began the race in Willow. Petit was among 10 racers who withdrew during the race.

The race took mushers and their dog teams over two mountain ranges, along the frozen Yukon River and then across the treacherous, wind-swept Bering Sea coast to the finish line in Nome.

This year’s race came during a bruising two-year stretch for the Iditarod that included a dog doping scandal and the loss of national sponsors amid protests by animal rights activists.

French musher was leading Iditarod, but then his dogs quit

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Musher Nicolas Petit lost a huge lead in the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race on Monday when his dog team refused to keep going after he yelled at one of the animals.

A dog named Joey had been fighting with another dog on the team and jumped it during a break on the way to the Bering Sea checkpoint of Koyuk.

“I yelled at Joey, and everybody heard the yelling, and that doesn’t happen,” Petit told the Iditarod Insider website. “And then they wouldn’t go anymore. Anywhere. So we camped here.”

Several mushers passed Petit’s team on the trail, erasing his five-hour lead in the race. Pete Kaiser of Alaska was the first musher into Koyuk, followed 11 minutes later by defending champion Joar Ulsom of Norway.

The checkpoint is 827 miles (1,330 kilometers) into the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race across Alaska.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a frequent critic of the race, didn’t immediately return a message seeking comment Monday.

Petit said his dogs are well-fed and there’s no medical issue keeping them from getting up and running.

“It’s just a head thing,” he said. “We’ll see if one of these dog teams coming by will wake them up at all.”

For Petit, it’s another bad memory from the stretch between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

He was in command of last year’s race when he got off trail during a blizzard and lost the lead. He wound up finishing second behind Ulsom.

“Something about right here, huh?” he mused.

The race started March 2 in Willow, just north of Anchorage. The course through the Alaska wilderness took mushers over two mountain ranges and the frozen Yukon River before they reached the treacherous Bering Sea coast.

The winner is expected to come off the sea ice and mush down Nome’s main street to the finish line sometime in the middle of the week.