First, a disclosure: There is a distinct lack of fiancee quotes in this week’s recap. She fell asleep three separate times this week. Not that I blame her — we started watching around 10:30 p.m. ET and the endgame for this season is as obvious as Monday night’s horse love scene was awkward.
That said, there was still enough to digest and debate, including the BIG REVEAL about Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s brother. So away we go…
Luke is a 97-mph fastball. Robby is that 12-to-6, table-dropping curve. But ARB is that brutal slider that dives inside on lefties and makes righties look foolish. I’m not sure which way Luke and Robby bat, but they’re not getting a hit on ARB. Every time there’s a moment when you think they get a leg up on him, he turns JoJo drinking foot juice into a genuine moment between them.
Through six episodes, ARB is the only guy we’ve learned anything real about and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. These two have actual chemistry and he’s the only one I think JoJo actually wants to spend a lot of time with while they’re both wearing clothing. Plus, he dropped the L bomb and she never lost eye contact. See, Alex, THAT’S the proper reaction to telling someone you’re falling in love with them — not a deadpan and immediately looking away from the other person.
Also, every time you think there’s a secret or a storyline that’s going to ding ARB’s candidacy, he pulls out what he did last night.
The Aaron Rodgers question
The big reveal! ARB and AR are not actually friends. This isn’t news to those of us that traffic on the Interwebs, or in Bachelor(ette) podcasts (stop judging — you’re reading this), but it was pretty impressive how ARB managed to turn his brother’s fame and JoJo’s obvious interest in his brother’s fame into a plus for him and an emotional admission.
I think my two favorite parts of The Great Reveal were:
1) How JoJo brought it up like she was casually feeling around to see if she could share a bottle of rose with Olivia Munn at the hometown. How disappointed do you think she was internally when she found out she wasn’t going to be part of football’s new first family? Scale of 1-10, I’m guessing 7.5.
2) ARB came off both as sympathetic and bitter during the entire exchange. On one hand, he sounded like every younger brother ever. “Oh, it was so hard being less good at stuff than Aaron!” On the other, we have decades of history proving what our culture does to the OTHER sibling. Frank Stallone, Liam Hemsworth, Rob Kardashian. It’s so hard out there, ARB. We get it.
The Luke infatuation
If there’s a trend this season, it’s the producers doing everything they possibly can to make certain guys stand out. There was the fireman challenge earlier in the season and ARB’s football date. Monday’s Cowboy date with Luke was basically everything the producers could do to buoy his chances short of putting a heart-shaped bed in the middle of the field after that horse ride.
I think JoJo’s feeling toward Luke can be best summed up by the fiancee:
“She wanna RIDE. THAT. COWBOY!”
Pants check: Still on … for now.
Nah nah nah nah, hey, hey, hey…
It’s kind of fitting that the episode was bookended by dual cowboy dates. If Luke’s date was 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥, Alex’s was 💩💩💩😍😯😕😡😐😤.
That love confession/non-reaction/goodbye serious of events was basically everything Alex deserved after he spent three weeks campaigning for a one-on-one date and then proceeded to try to eat her face with Pringles in between 15 minutes of not talking. Of course, that’s nothing compared the most physically uncomfortable “love” scene in the history of reality television. How uncomfortable was it? It’s hard to explain in words, so here’s some moving pictures:
I can’t even begin to wrap my head around what happened. The horse trainer’s grossly close relationship to that horse, the make-out session on TOP of the horse with the awkwardly placed head or the fact that at one point the horse trainer was sitting NEXT to the horse WHILE JoJo and Alex made out on top of the horse. This whole scene blew my mind and I wish I never saw it and could erase it forever.
If it weren’t for the horse scene, James Taylor’s outward sniping and snitching against Robby would’ve been the worst part of the episode. That’s two weeks in a row we’ve seen James Taylor try to prop himself up by bringing another dude down with a totally useless complaint.
Oh, girls in countries are checking out Robby?! Go figure. Guess who else they’re checking out — ARB and Luke and Chase. You know why you’re upset, James? Because they’re not looking at you. You’re the dude who gets turned down at the bar so you spend the rest of the night trying to make sure no one else gets to talk to her.
You, James Taylor, are the worst, and I’m glad you’re gone. That “heartfelt” plea to JoJo after you were bounced doesn’t fool me. I know who you are.
Robby’s about to steal my fiancee
“AHHH! He’s SO hot, though. Ahhh! He is so good looking! Ahhh, he is SO good looking!”
“I think JoJo just wanted to see me without my clothes on.”
“Yup! She did. And SO DID I!”
I think Robby is going to steal my fiancee.
- How in the world did that rap battle in the bus happen? Was it a producer’s idea? Did they all come up with it? Was there some Making the Band-like brainstorming scene in the hotel where they all scribbled their hottest lines on looseleaf paper? Also, how much would you pay for all of the music sang/rapped during this season? I would give iTunes at least $1.50 for all of it.
- Note to all single/not-married guys — If you tell a woman you love her and her first words are “yeah, um…” just run out of the room and never look back.
- That linger on Alex’s face when he realized he was about to get kicked off the show was so painful.
- 🚨🚨 CHAD ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE! CHAD ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE! SET YOUR DVRS NOW! 🚨🚨
- Pushing JoJo up against the wall for a kiss is ARB’s version of Aaron escaping the pocket and three would-be tacklers before throwing a 47-yard laser to Jordy Nelson.
- Luke is the 2016 version of Wooderson from Dazed and Confused.
- Also, does Luke have emotions? I’m seriously asking this.
- How is Robby ready to get married four months after a breakup? Most poeple aren’t ready to spend a weekend away four months after a serious breakup.
- James Taylor’s guitar is gonna crush Bachelor in Paradise.
Quote of the week
One last gem from the fiancee about Alex and JoJo’s horses date…
“She’s more excited about the horses than she is about him.”
Stay tuned for next week when we get to meet the least-interesting part of ARB’s family.