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The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: Wells done, awkward beefs and dumb kisses

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Welcome to the first Chad-less Bachelorette recap. Hopefully it’s better than the first Chad-less Bachelorette episode.

There were some interesting things (no, seriously, keep reading), but overall, it’s clear the producers are searching for drama without their only true villain. This week, they tried to kick up dust over a kiss that hadn’t happened and resorted to staging a second two-on-one date (apparently a big deal according to my fiancee’s breathless screams). So, with the material lacking, I’m going to do what every good Internet person does in my shoes — distract you with shiny GIFs!

Away we go…

MVP

My fiancee. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on for a second. Some of my favorite quotes from Monday’s commentary…

“STOP IT with that outfit!” (Big fan of JoJo’s red dress)

“****in’ pipsqueak!” (Not a big fan of Alex)

“Can we talk about how lame these two are at dancing? … Chase, show some passion! At least look like you give a **** — not like there’s a stick up your ass.” (Worst tango sequence ever?)

“Oh my god, you need so much validation, *****. You’re so basic!” (I think she’s getting tired of JoJo.)

“She’s ruining the show! … I guess I shouldn’t be mad, at least Alex’s pants fit!” (Well, at least there’s that.)

And now.. a tonally and situationally relevant GIF.

ARB vs. James Taylor

Pardon me if you’ve heard this before. Dude spends one-on-one time ranting about another dude to Bachelorette. Dude who was just trashed gets pulled aside by said Bachelorette. Dude who was trashed gets really upset, swirls his wine AGGRESSIVELY and questions the character of the dude who spoke out of school. Seriously guys, you’re all competing for a woman on a reality TV show. You don’t expect dudes to try to trash you to get you out of the picture? This was all so awkward.

(Side note: Is there a worse way to rebound from being called “entitled” than to stew silently in a skin-tight suit while swirling your wine like the most passive-aggressive sommelier ever?)

I guess this is a rivalry in the way that the Patriots and the Jets were a rivalry for like 14 months but really only in the minds of Jets fans.

ARB and Luke are almost assuredly the final two, so the rest of this awkward rivalry is basically just killing time until James Taylor tries to woo her with some terrible love ballad on a group date but gets sent home and then cries for 17 minutes straight.

The dumbest kiss ever

You know you’re desperate for storylines when you devote 45 minutes to whether or not two people on a dating show will finally kiss six episodes into the season.

Here’s a hint for Wells: If you haven’t kissed her when she’s making out with every other dude like they’re high school sophomores in the back seat of his dad’s car, you’re probably not long for this world.

That said, it felt like she really wanted to like him, but he just didn’t really want to be there. At least now we’re finally whittling out all the nerds/outsiders/awkward dudes and getting to the muscle-bound ego machines we all knew she was going to pick anyway.

Contender for the throne

I’ve been Team Jordan/ARB from the jump, but Luke is straight crushing things right now. The chemistry between Luke and JoJo during Monday night’s makeout session made my entire apartment a little uncomfortable.

Not that I blame her. Who could say no to this?

That’s one good-looking dude. I’m not sure I could even be mad at my fiancee if she came home and told me she made out with Luke.

Budget problems?

I’m not saying there are money issues here. I’m just gonna point out that they used the same building for like 3 or 4 dates in the same episode and just tried to shoot different rooms or re-arrange the furniture for each shot. Are you telling me there’s no places in Argentina for rent? Did they just wait until the last minute and then look around after arriving and realize, “Crap. We forgot to rent a building.”

They can’t rent out multiple buildings, but they’re dropping untold amounts of money on leather jackets for everyone.

Random notes

  • No country concert! Proud of you guys.
  • Robbie and ARB have the same hair, but Robbie’s product game is way better. Get your product game together, Jordan.
  • Super awkward moment when James Taylor finished trashing ARB and then asked JoJo for a kiss.
  • Does Chase have the ability to move his face?
  • Alex might be as big of a villain as Chad, but he’s way too annoying and needy to be interesting. He’ll be gone next week.

Quote of the night

This goes to ARB, but not so much for the actual quote as to the exchange it led to between my friend and her husband, who shall remain nameless.

ARB quote: “You’re the person I want to do life with.”

Which led to…

Wife: “I wanna do life with you.”

Husband: “Not tonight, babe. Not tonight.”

Alaskan Native Pete Kaiser wins Iditarod sled dog race

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Pete Kaiser won the Iditarod early Wednesday, throwing his arms over his head and pumping his fists as he became the latest Alaska Native to claim victory in the iconic sled dog race.

Kaiser, 31, crossed the finish line in Nome after beating back a challenge from the defending champion, Norwegian musher Joar Ulsom.

Crowds cheered and clapped as Kaiser came off the Bering Sea ice and mushed down Nome’s main street to the famed burled arch finish line. His wife and children greeted him, hugging him at the conclusion of the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race, which began March 3 north of Anchorage.

Kaiser, who is Yupik, is from the southwest Alaska community of Bethel. A large contingent of Bethel residents flew to Nome to witness his victory. Alaska Native dancers and drummers performed near the finish line as they waited for Kaiser to arrive.

Kaiser will receive $50,000 and a new pickup truck for the victory. Four other Alaska Native mushers have won the race, including John Baker, an Inupiaq from Kotzebue, in 2011.

This year’s race was marked by the stunning collapse of Frenchman Nicolas Petit, who was seemingly headed for victory as late as Monday.

Petit, a native of France living in Alaska, had a five-hour lead and was cruising until his dog team stopped running between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

Petit said one dog was picking on another during a rest break, and he yelled at the dog to knock it off. At that point, the entire team refused to run.

Petit had to withdraw, and the dog team had to be taken back to the previous checkpoint by snowmobile.

Fifty-two mushers began the race in Willow. Petit was among 10 racers who withdrew during the race.

The race took mushers and their dog teams over two mountain ranges, along the frozen Yukon River and then across the treacherous, wind-swept Bering Sea coast to the finish line in Nome.

This year’s race came during a bruising two-year stretch for the Iditarod that included a dog doping scandal and the loss of national sponsors amid protests by animal rights activists.

French musher was leading Iditarod, but then his dogs quit

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Musher Nicolas Petit lost a huge lead in the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race on Monday when his dog team refused to keep going after he yelled at one of the animals.

A dog named Joey had been fighting with another dog on the team and jumped it during a break on the way to the Bering Sea checkpoint of Koyuk.

“I yelled at Joey, and everybody heard the yelling, and that doesn’t happen,” Petit told the Iditarod Insider website. “And then they wouldn’t go anymore. Anywhere. So we camped here.”

Several mushers passed Petit’s team on the trail, erasing his five-hour lead in the race. Pete Kaiser of Alaska was the first musher into Koyuk, followed 11 minutes later by defending champion Joar Ulsom of Norway.

The checkpoint is 827 miles (1,330 kilometers) into the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race across Alaska.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a frequent critic of the race, didn’t immediately return a message seeking comment Monday.

Petit said his dogs are well-fed and there’s no medical issue keeping them from getting up and running.

“It’s just a head thing,” he said. “We’ll see if one of these dog teams coming by will wake them up at all.”

For Petit, it’s another bad memory from the stretch between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

He was in command of last year’s race when he got off trail during a blizzard and lost the lead. He wound up finishing second behind Ulsom.

“Something about right here, huh?” he mused.

The race started March 2 in Willow, just north of Anchorage. The course through the Alaska wilderness took mushers over two mountain ranges and the frozen Yukon River before they reached the treacherous Bering Sea coast.

The winner is expected to come off the sea ice and mush down Nome’s main street to the finish line sometime in the middle of the week.