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The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: Wells done, awkward beefs and dumb kisses

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Welcome to the first Chad-less Bachelorette recap. Hopefully it’s better than the first Chad-less Bachelorette episode.

There were some interesting things (no, seriously, keep reading), but overall, it’s clear the producers are searching for drama without their only true villain. This week, they tried to kick up dust over a kiss that hadn’t happened and resorted to staging a second two-on-one date (apparently a big deal according to my fiancee’s breathless screams). So, with the material lacking, I’m going to do what every good Internet person does in my shoes — distract you with shiny GIFs!

Away we go…

MVP

My fiancee. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on for a second. Some of my favorite quotes from Monday’s commentary…

“STOP IT with that outfit!” (Big fan of JoJo’s red dress)

“****in’ pipsqueak!” (Not a big fan of Alex)

“Can we talk about how lame these two are at dancing? … Chase, show some passion! At least look like you give a **** — not like there’s a stick up your ass.” (Worst tango sequence ever?)

“Oh my god, you need so much validation, *****. You’re so basic!” (I think she’s getting tired of JoJo.)

“She’s ruining the show! … I guess I shouldn’t be mad, at least Alex’s pants fit!” (Well, at least there’s that.)

And now.. a tonally and situationally relevant GIF.

ARB vs. James Taylor

Pardon me if you’ve heard this before. Dude spends one-on-one time ranting about another dude to Bachelorette. Dude who was just trashed gets pulled aside by said Bachelorette. Dude who was trashed gets really upset, swirls his wine AGGRESSIVELY and questions the character of the dude who spoke out of school. Seriously guys, you’re all competing for a woman on a reality TV show. You don’t expect dudes to try to trash you to get you out of the picture? This was all so awkward.

(Side note: Is there a worse way to rebound from being called “entitled” than to stew silently in a skin-tight suit while swirling your wine like the most passive-aggressive sommelier ever?)

I guess this is a rivalry in the way that the Patriots and the Jets were a rivalry for like 14 months but really only in the minds of Jets fans.

ARB and Luke are almost assuredly the final two, so the rest of this awkward rivalry is basically just killing time until James Taylor tries to woo her with some terrible love ballad on a group date but gets sent home and then cries for 17 minutes straight.

The dumbest kiss ever

You know you’re desperate for storylines when you devote 45 minutes to whether or not two people on a dating show will finally kiss six episodes into the season.

Here’s a hint for Wells: If you haven’t kissed her when she’s making out with every other dude like they’re high school sophomores in the back seat of his dad’s car, you’re probably not long for this world.

That said, it felt like she really wanted to like him, but he just didn’t really want to be there. At least now we’re finally whittling out all the nerds/outsiders/awkward dudes and getting to the muscle-bound ego machines we all knew she was going to pick anyway.

Contender for the throne

I’ve been Team Jordan/ARB from the jump, but Luke is straight crushing things right now. The chemistry between Luke and JoJo during Monday night’s makeout session made my entire apartment a little uncomfortable.

Not that I blame her. Who could say no to this?

That’s one good-looking dude. I’m not sure I could even be mad at my fiancee if she came home and told me she made out with Luke.

Budget problems?

I’m not saying there are money issues here. I’m just gonna point out that they used the same building for like 3 or 4 dates in the same episode and just tried to shoot different rooms or re-arrange the furniture for each shot. Are you telling me there’s no places in Argentina for rent? Did they just wait until the last minute and then look around after arriving and realize, “Crap. We forgot to rent a building.”

They can’t rent out multiple buildings, but they’re dropping untold amounts of money on leather jackets for everyone.

Random notes

  • No country concert! Proud of you guys.
  • Robbie and ARB have the same hair, but Robbie’s product game is way better. Get your product game together, Jordan.
  • Super awkward moment when James Taylor finished trashing ARB and then asked JoJo for a kiss.
  • Does Chase have the ability to move his face?
  • Alex might be as big of a villain as Chad, but he’s way too annoying and needy to be interesting. He’ll be gone next week.

Quote of the night

This goes to ARB, but not so much for the actual quote as to the exchange it led to between my friend and her husband, who shall remain nameless.

ARB quote: “You’re the person I want to do life with.”

Which led to…

Wife: “I wanna do life with you.”

Husband: “Not tonight, babe. Not tonight.”

Lindsey Vonn takes third in final career race

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Lindsey Vonn finished third in the final race of her historic career, the women’s downhill at the skiing world championships in Are, Sweden.

The short course was thought to be a plus for Vonn’s curtain call. In Are, Vonn has been know to run into trouble in the upper section of the downhill.

Skiing third, Vonn stood in the gate, her right leg twitching with adrenaline. Leading up to her final race, Vonn had stated she would come out with “guns blazing,” and she did.

Vonn picked up time on the leader throughout her run, starting off .23 seconds back at the first split, but by the time she crossed the finish line Vonn had taken the lead by .33 seconds.

“I laid it all on the line and that’s all I wanted to do today. I have to admit I was a bit nervous,” Vonn said after the race. “Probably the most nervous I’ve ever been in my life. I wanted to finish strong so badly and I had a really hard time controlling my nerves and I never have a hard time with that.

“I’m just happy I made it to the finish and I came down in the lead, which is nice for my last race and I’m also safe. I made it down safely. My boyfriend and my family are happy.”

Fittingly, Vonn was able to sit in the leader’s chair on her final day of racing. Vonn held the top spot through five skiers, then Slovenia’s Ilka Stuhec, the reigning downhill world champion, dropped in for her run, crossing the finish line .49 seconds faster than Vonn.

Vonn clung to second place for ten more skiers, then Switzerland’s Corinne Suter posted the second fastest time of the day, bumping Vonn to third, where she would stay to win the bronze.

Read more on OlympicTalk.

New Jersey sports betting market closing in on $1B mark

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ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — New Jersey’s sports betting market is closing in on the $1 billion dollar mark after less than six months of operation.

Figures released Wednesday by the state Division of Gaming Enforcement show New Jersey’s casino and racetrack-based sports books took in over $330 million worth of bets in November.

Gamblers in the state have plunked down $928 million on sports events since sports betting began in mid-June.

The $21.2 million that sports books kept from that money, along with another strong month of internet gambling, helped Atlantic City’s casinos post an increase of nearly 25 percent in gambling revenue in November, compared with a year ago.

The casinos won $257 million from gamblers in November.

There are two more casinos operating this November than there were a year ago.