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The Bachelorette Recap Week 4: ARB Shining, Gross Gossip Mags and Cupcake Cake

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Man, it’s been a long two weeks hasn’t it? I mean, sure, we got that epic Game 5 in which LeBron essentially unfurled on everyone and started his march toward the greatest three-game run in the history of ever. BUT NOW, we got our conclusion to the Chad Saga, a NEW (different and wholly disgusting) Chad Saga and the rise of Alex the Ass. But really, Monday night’s episode should be known as the one when Aaron Rodgers’ brother just dunked on EVERYONE in the house, including JoJo.

So, without further adieu:

MVP

ARB might not have gone full LeBron on the house, but his pull JoJo behind the wall move during the first rose ceremony was a strong move. Any time my fiancee turns me and says, “you can do that,” you’re doing OK, ARB.

On a related note, ARB looked to be in rough shape after JoJo essentially asked him if he cheated on his last girlfriend. The body language of not saying anything, stopping dead in your tracks and pausing to drink — not so good. But the way he recovered and eventually spun it into making her feel bad about even asking was pretty effing smooth, even if he was polishing a turd.

The only concern for ARB is he’s quickly becoming the main target of the other guys in the house. As soon as they read his name on the solo date card (after the group date rose), you could literally see every other dude shoot daggers into his smug, smiling face. The producers are clearly setting up the “ARB only wants to be famous” storyline for at least the next two to three weeks.

LVP

Look, I get that as a producer of a reality TV show that’s been on the air for like two decades (is this right? I’m not checking it), you need to sometimes generate some storylines. Sometimes, you even have to get into some sticky, not-so-nice, probably-morally-questionable territory to do that. But the gossip mag storyline last night was just freakin’ gross. Does anyone believe for a second that Vinny just HAPPENED to have that specific gossip mag with a story from JoJo’s ex about how JoJo just wants to be famous? It was the most blatant producer plant I’ve seen and it would’ve only been a little gross if they left it there. But when they waited for JoJo to be deliriously happy and then shoved the mag in her face, said “we need to address this” and said the guys have seen it (like they just “found” it) — I mean, c’mon, man. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me feel gross and dirty and uncomfortable in a really bad way. It didn’t help anyone other than the producers and it made for terrible, awkward and unenjoyable television.

What a waste

Speaking of producer decisions, what a weird call to have that stupid Chad segment this week and hold it over everyone like some huge cliffhanger. I haven’t been that disappointed in a “to be continued” since all of the Matrix movies.

Cupcake questions

I have so many questions about the cupcake cake they smashed into Alex’s face in celebration of Chad’s exit. In order:

  • Where did the cupcake cake come from? Did the producers have it waiting? Did they have to go out and order it?
  • Was it the producers’ idea to have it or did the guys ask for it?
  • Was it made at Stop N’ Shop?
  • Who brought the party hats and the road flare?
    • Is the road flare a fire hazard or does Western PA just roll like that?
  • What was the ordering process like at the store where they got the cupcake cake?
  • Was there anything written on it?
  • Was it in the shape of Chad’s face or was it just a shapeless blob?

If you have any answers to these questions, please let me know @cgriffin415 on Twitter.

Alex is the new Chad

Now that Chad is gone, it’s clear Alex is getting the bully/villain edit. He got made to look like a serious (word we can’t say here) for most of the second half of Monday’s episode.

Too soon, bros

I lost count how many times my fiancee got audibly and physically upset at these dudes telling JoJo they loved her after a month. It’s a wonder these relationships don’t last.

Thing I learned about my fiancee

She HATES poetry. Like, ridiculously hardcore hates it. Her response to James’ poem to JoJo was as follows:

“I don’t think I’d like you if you wrote me poems…

*Full pause*

“They’re for pansies.”

Random notes

  • Vinny and Evan lasted two episodes longer than I thought, but there was no chance of them or Wells (who survives again despite doing nothing) making it past the midway point.
  • It boggles my mind that these dudes let Vinny cut their hair. Have they not seen his haircut?
  • Would it take longer to get from Western PA to Eastern PA than to fly to Uruguay from Pittsburgh? I think yes.
  • Do the bachelor/bachelorette ever got drunk with the contestants? I’m talking rip-roaring, holding-each-other-up-as-you-stumble-home drunk. How could you possibly know if you can stand to spend your life with someone if you don’t even know if you like them drunk?
  • These dudes got really mad at Derek for taking their time away from JoJo when there was no time with JoJo anyway.
  • RIP Drunk Canadian Dude, who was definitely a package deal with Chad.
  • Swim shoes are never sexy.

Quote of the week

This week’s gem comes from Drunk Canadian Dude, who struggled to find words after he was bounced by JoJo.

“If this was based on looks, I’d still be here. I’m a great catch … I got a better chance of.. of getting struck by lightning…

*full 15-second pause*

“…while shaving my face.”

Welp.

Nassar victim: Michigan State leader offered secret payoff

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LANSING, Mich. – A sexual assault victim of former sports doctor Larry Nassar confronted Michigan State University officials on Friday, alleging the school’s interim leader offered a payoff to settle her lawsuit and pressured her to do so without her attorney present.

Kaylee Lorincz spoke during a contentious board of trustees meeting, where interim President John Engler expressed regret over the university’s response to another woman’s federal lawsuit over the schools handling of rape allegations involving basketball players. Lorincz, who has said Larry Nassar sexually assaulted her when she sought treatment for back pain, said Engler and his attorney offered her $250,000 when the teen and her mother were at the school a few weeks ago to sign up to speak at Friday’s meeting.

According to Lorincz, Engler said to her, “Right now if I wrote you a check for $250,000 would you take it?”

Lorincz said Engler also claimed another Nassar victim had given him an amount she would consider to settle with the university. Lorincz said she felt “bullied” by the encounter.

Engler didn’t immediately respond to her comments. His spokeswoman, Emily Guerrant, said she was in the room during the conversation and does not remember Engler offering a dollar figure.

“My interpretation of the discussion was not that he was saying, `I’m offering you $250,000,”‘ she said. “It was a discussion about the civil litigation and how it was going on.”

Lorincz addressed Engler in a room brimming with protesters, parents and sexual assault victims of Nassar, now serving decades in prison for molesting women and girls and for possessing child pornography. Lorincz was among roughly 250 women who gave statements earlier this year during Nassar’s sentencing hearings in two Michigan courtrooms.

In a separate case, a woman filed a lawsuit Monday saying the university’s counselors discouraged her from filing a police report after three Michigan State basketball players allegedly raped her in 2015. She accuses the school of violating Title IX protocol and claims staff made it clear that “she faced an uphill battle that would create anxiety and unwanted media attention” should she report her rape.

The university’s immediate response to reporters asking about the lawsuit was to decline comment. But on Wednesday it issued a lengthy statement that detailed staff interaction with the woman.

The university faced criticism over that response from people who say it violated privacy laws.

Engler acknowledged Friday that the school “provided an unnecessary amount of detail” about the case, saying some people saw the response as “violating privacy expectations.”

Engler became interim president after Lou Anna Simon resigned in January hours after Nassar was sentenced to decades in prison for crimes involving Michigan State athletes. Students remain anxious over the future course of the university, which has yet to choose a permanent replacement for Simon.

In Friday’s board meeting, Engler attempted to steer focus toward celebrating milestones of the university’s graduating seniors but was frequently usurped by boos and jeers from a crowd clad in teal shirts with the phrase, “I stand with the sister survivors (hash)MeTooMSU.” Some Nassar victims wrapped their mouths with black bands that had the phrase “Silenced” scrawled over them.

Parents of victims were left in the lobby downstairs because their posters of their children’s faces were considered “signs” and thus barred from the meeting room. Protesters who were able to attend instead held up cellphones with childhood pictures of victims.

During the meeting, Engler proposed a 2.97 percent tuition increase, the third lowest in 20 years. Earlier he had teased the possibility of heavy tuition increases should the school’s lawsuits over the Nassar controversy continue to snowball financially.

During public testimony, Engler and his board were castigated for how he handled the public fallout over the past few months and repeatedly told to resign.

“You sponsored my assault,” dancer Morgan McCaul, a Nassar victim, said. “Your time is up. Resign.”

As McCaul’s testimony concluded, the crowd joined her in chanting, “Shame on you,” at the board.

Sportscaster Dick Enberg dies at 82

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SAN DIEGO — Dick Enberg, the longtime sportscaster who got his big break with UCLA basketball and went on to call Super Bowls, Olympics, Final Fours and Angels and Padres baseball games, died Thursday. He was 82.

Engberg’s daughter, Nicole, confirmed the death to The Associated Press. She said the family became concerned when he didn’t arrive on his flight to Boston on Thursday, and that he was found dead at his home in La Jolla, a San Diego neighborhood, with his bags packed.

“He was dressed with his bags packed at the door,” wife Barbara told the Union-Tribune. “We think it was a heart attack.”

Enberg retired in October 2016 after a 60-year career – and countless calls of “Oh my!” in describing a play that nearly defied description. He also was well-known for his baseball catchphrase of “Touch `em all” for home runs.

Raised in Armada, Michigan, Enberg’s first radio job was actually as a radio station custodian in Mount Pleasant, Michigan, when he was a junior at Central Michigan. He made $1 an hour. The owner also gave him weekend sports and disc jockey gigs, also at $1 an hour. From there he began doing high school and college football games.

During his nine years broadcasting UCLA basketball, the Bruins won eight NCAA titles. Enberg broadcast nine no-hitters, including two by San Francisco’s Tim Lincecum against the Padres in 2013 and 2014.

He said the most historically important event he covered was “The Game of the Century,” Houston’s victory over UCLA in 1968 that snapped the Bruins’ 47-game winning streak.

“That was the platform from which college basketball’s popularity was sent into the stratosphere,” Enberg said. “The `79 game, the Magic-Bird game, everyone wants to credit that as the greatest game of all time That was just the booster rocket that sent it even higher. … UCLA, unbeaten; Houston, unbeaten. And then the thing that had to happen, and Coach Wooden hated when I said this, but UCLA had to lose. That became a monumental event.”

Enberg’s many former broadcast partners included Merlin Olsen, Al McGuire, Billy Packer, Don Drysdale and Tony Gwynn. He even worked a few games with Wooden, whom he called “The greatest man I’ve ever known other than my own father.” Enberg called Padres games for seven seasons and went into the broadcasters’ wing of the Hall of Fame in 2015.

John Ireland, the radio voice of the Los Angeles Lakers, tweeted that “If there was a Mount Rushmore of LA Sports Announcers, Dick Enberg is on it with Chick Hearn, Vin Scully and Bob Miller. Rams, Angels, UCLA, NBC, and so much more. Was the first famous announcer I ever met, and he couldn’t have been nicer. Definition of a gentleman.”

Enberg won 13 Sports Emmy Awards and a Lifetime Achievement Emmy. He received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and UCLA named its Media Center in Pauley Pavilion after Enberg this year.

“Kindest, most proactive possible treatment of newcomers in this business, for the length of his career,” broadcaster Keith Olbermann said of Enberg on Twitter. “What a terrible loss.”