I didn’t think I could handle watching four hours of The Bachelorette in the span of 26 hours, let alone writing two of these recaps, but so be it, here we are.
There was ANOTHER random country concert (seriously, expand the Rolodex or bag the concert and send them somewhere better than western Pennsylvania), Ben Roethlisberger and Co., a hefty amount of Fireball, a big moment for Luke the Failed Country Singer and, of course, the Alex-Chad showdown the producers had been building toward for the better part of three weeks. Let’s get right into it.
The Downfall of Chad
We’ll start here instead of the MVP, because I’ve gotta keep the seven people reading this (hi, Jamie) on their toes. My fiancee says it was “early” for the two-on-one date, but it seemed properly placed for me. For those unaware, the two-on-one date is essentially the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s version of the wild card play-in game. Two guys go in, one goes home and the Chad-House (but specifically Alex) relationship had gotten to the point of resolution. Otherwise, you’re just going to drag a series out until everyone stops watching the same storylines over and over and over.
Three main observations:
- Chad made a major tactical error by failing to keep his temper in check for ONE AFTERNOON. Seriously dude. All you needed to do was not threaten to track someone down and beat them up once the show ended and you could’ve played the “I’ve changed” card with JoJo. Instead, Chad essentially threatened to go Boba Fett on Aaron Rodgers’ brother IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Did you think Alex wasn’t going to bring that up?
- Alex essentially sacrificed his long-term success to get Chad out of the picture. Maybe it’s better for the house and the show (doubtful) in the long run, but Alex had one-on-one time with JoJo and spent all the time we saw complaining about Chad (again). Now, this time it worked and Chad actually got the boot, but there’s no chance it works out well in the long run for Alex after JoJo essentially friend-zoned Alex before the date even started.
- The Chad-Olivia comparisons were in full swing Tuesday night, starting with Chad believing he had some secret connection that no one else saw. But the real comparison was the way they bounced Chad, leaving him stranded on a rock surrounded by water with not so much as a goodbye. There was even the depressing overhead shot with Chad wandering and looking stunned in the middle of nowhere. Of course, the difference was Chad went completely insane, tracking the house THROUGH THE FREAKIN’ WOODS and knocking on the door of the guy’s hotel suite/house right as the credits rolled. CLIFFHANGER.
- This was gotta be producer-aided, right? There’s no way Chad has the skills to go from a river in the middle of nowhere and track through the woods to find the hotel/house. Either that or the producers were so brazenly insane that they let a roid raging madman chase down the woman who just dumped him and the guys he threatened to hunt down and destroy. I can’t decide which.
The march of ARB (Aaron Rodgers’ brother) is in full effect. I have to say I appreciate the way the producers slow-played the inevitable love affair between ARB and JoJo. The chemistry was pretty obvious from the jump, but they didn’t jump right into it and let it simmer slowly under the surface of Chad’s rage boil. Now, with the Chad storyline winding down, ARB is making his move and I must say, he’s playing this perfectly. JoJo tells him he’s being too closed off, so he flips the table in their one-on-one time and asks her what she’s thinking. Well-done, sir. Well-done.
Some other ARB notes:
- At first, it seemed unfair that they didn’t put ARB on a team during the football challenge. LET THE MAN SHINE, amiright? But, as the fiancee pointed out, JoJo essentially positioned him as guaranteed to make the extra date after the game. I see you, JoJo.
- Related note: ARB, man, STOP THROWING END ZONE FADES.
- Other related note: There’s something comical and demeaning about ARB wearing 11 since Aaron Rodgers wears 12.
- It was pretty funny that Big Ben pretended like he didn’t know who ARB was. “He’s Aaron’s brother, right?” Yeah, OK.
- How quickly would ARB call the police if Chad actually showed up at his door like three months after taping? He’s gotta have the local precinct on speed dial, right?
BIG BEN! Seriously though, I would pay for a second-screen experience in which Big Ben watches The Bachelorette and provides real-time commentary while tossing Cheetos into his mouth.
Thing I learned about my fiancee
I think if we ever run into the Former Professional Swimmer, there’s a 70 percent chance I’m going to lose her. There’s fawning and then there’s the act I witnessed last night. I’m concerned.
Random hot tub in the middle of nowhere
This seems to be a Bachelor/Bachelorette trope. On Ben’s season, they put it in the middle of the field. This time, it’s in the middle of the woods. Is there “a guy” who’s specialty is hooking up hot tubs in the middle of nowhere for reality TV shows?
The perplexing case of Vinnie
You might know Vinnie as the barber with the terrible style. My fiancee called him “Barber with the Bad Hair.” How does this guy keep getting a rose? I haven’t seen a single moment of him with JoJo, he dresses like a neon sign and he’s a barber with a bad haircut! That’s like being a sports journalist who writes a crappy reality TV recap.
How many men/women on this franchise come from Texas? It’s gotta be 40 percent, right? I think reality TV is one of Texas’ top five exports at this point.
- So many leather jackets this season. Do you think the producers told everyone that JoJo likes leather jackets or did they all just read GQ, Complex and Esquire too many times before packing for the show?
- That sled dog date was BS. It wasn’t even snowing! They essentially made the dogs peddle a bike for them.
- They were definitely drinking Andre in the hot tub and at the house. I’m not sure whether I should be proud or ashamed. Probably both.
- Lighten up, Luke.
- Evan, man. That’s a tough week. It’s probably the end of the road soon.
Quote of the week
“This is for America!” — ARB on Alex trying to get Chad off the show.
No, ARB, this was not for America. America wants more Chad.