The Bachelorette Recap Week 2: Protein powder, luggage pull-ups and deli meat extravaganza

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Adios, Aaron Rodgers’ brother. Hello, Chad. This was the week of the Meathead and my lord has there ever been a better (or worse) advertisement for protein powder, travel luggage and deli meat.

I’ve heard a lot of guys say the Bachelor is a better watch — for all the stereotypical reasons you’re probably thinking — but this week’s episode of the Bachelorette was proof positive there isn’t much as uniquely enjoyable as a bunch of yoked-up, steroided (is that a word?) DudeBros pitted against each other and forced to mansplain what it really means to be in love.

So, without further adieu…

MVP

I can’t even imagine the look on the producers’ faces when they put together the footage from this week. Chad dominated the episode the same way he dominated those luggage pull-ups. It was like watching Sammy Sosa in 1998. You know there’s some sort of strange and possibly banned substance fueling the madness, but it’s just so damn entertaining. It’s hard to put everything he did into cogent sentences, so here’s my Chad notes in chronological order of the show:

  • Chad seems like a massive jerk. Producer edit?
  • Is there no gym in the house, Chad? He really just put all his protein powders in a suitcase and did pull-ups on a gondola. Seriously.
  • Chad is both the most real and the biggest ass.
  • Chad and Drunk Canadian Dude are BFFs and it’s perfect.
  • Chad is Olivia.
    • This deserves a sub-bullet because I’m damn proud of this realization. We can only hope the producers force JoJo string Chad along for long enough to dump him crying on an island in the rain in the middle of nowhere.
  • Chad makes some pretty fair points during the SportsNation segment.
  • Chad is eating a lot of deli meats.
  • Chad is eating again!!
  • Holy crap, is Chad eating deli meats during the rose ceremony? Yep, he is.

Chad, man. You are a hero to meatheads everywhere.

One more on Chad

Yes, there’s a lot of Chad in this recap, but can we circle back and talk about his SportsNation moment? Yeah, you probably shouldn’t call the Bachelorette a nag, but he was DEAD RIGHT about all of the dudes on this show. They met this woman days ago and they’re supposed to explain all the ways they love her? You might be a massive tool Chad, but you were the most honest guy on a fake reality TV show designed to sell “love” and jack up Instagram followers.

Ben

I asked my fiancee at one point, “How many times has Ben been mentioned?” I lost count, but it seems like it should be a bit of warning sign that JoJo can’t stop talking about her ex. Just saying.

Ridiculous professions

This week: “Hipster.” “Bachelor Superfan.” “Former Pro Quarterback.” Tremendous. I’m looking forward to the day someone lists “Tweeter.”

Aaron Rodgers’ brother

Quiet week for the (still) frontrunner, but a couple notes here.

  • One, how many times are you gonna mention Aaron? I might have to start counting.
  • THAT’S your TD dance, bro?

Random observations

  • One week after talking about how she wanted kisses to be special, JoJo is making out with EVERYONE.
  • That one dude who got a rose and was wearing a half-zip sweater probably has a closet full of half-zips.
  • Who wrote that JoJo song and why hasn’t it been released on someone’s SoundCloud account, yet?
  • Did Max Kellerman wear the three-piece suit because he knew he was going to be on Bachelorette?

Quote of the week

There were so many from Chad to pick from, but I’ll go with a low-key hilarious one:

“It was like the Care Bears surrounded you and told you they were gonna kick your ass.”

Two episodes next week! Twice the Chad! Oh boy.

Alaskan Native Pete Kaiser wins Iditarod sled dog race

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Pete Kaiser won the Iditarod early Wednesday, throwing his arms over his head and pumping his fists as he became the latest Alaska Native to claim victory in the iconic sled dog race.

Kaiser, 31, crossed the finish line in Nome after beating back a challenge from the defending champion, Norwegian musher Joar Ulsom.

Crowds cheered and clapped as Kaiser came off the Bering Sea ice and mushed down Nome’s main street to the famed burled arch finish line. His wife and children greeted him, hugging him at the conclusion of the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race, which began March 3 north of Anchorage.

Kaiser, who is Yupik, is from the southwest Alaska community of Bethel. A large contingent of Bethel residents flew to Nome to witness his victory. Alaska Native dancers and drummers performed near the finish line as they waited for Kaiser to arrive.

Kaiser will receive $50,000 and a new pickup truck for the victory. Four other Alaska Native mushers have won the race, including John Baker, an Inupiaq from Kotzebue, in 2011.

This year’s race was marked by the stunning collapse of Frenchman Nicolas Petit, who was seemingly headed for victory as late as Monday.

Petit, a native of France living in Alaska, had a five-hour lead and was cruising until his dog team stopped running between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

Petit said one dog was picking on another during a rest break, and he yelled at the dog to knock it off. At that point, the entire team refused to run.

Petit had to withdraw, and the dog team had to be taken back to the previous checkpoint by snowmobile.

Fifty-two mushers began the race in Willow. Petit was among 10 racers who withdrew during the race.

The race took mushers and their dog teams over two mountain ranges, along the frozen Yukon River and then across the treacherous, wind-swept Bering Sea coast to the finish line in Nome.

This year’s race came during a bruising two-year stretch for the Iditarod that included a dog doping scandal and the loss of national sponsors amid protests by animal rights activists.

French musher was leading Iditarod, but then his dogs quit

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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) Musher Nicolas Petit lost a huge lead in the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race on Monday when his dog team refused to keep going after he yelled at one of the animals.

A dog named Joey had been fighting with another dog on the team and jumped it during a break on the way to the Bering Sea checkpoint of Koyuk.

“I yelled at Joey, and everybody heard the yelling, and that doesn’t happen,” Petit told the Iditarod Insider website. “And then they wouldn’t go anymore. Anywhere. So we camped here.”

Several mushers passed Petit’s team on the trail, erasing his five-hour lead in the race. Pete Kaiser of Alaska was the first musher into Koyuk, followed 11 minutes later by defending champion Joar Ulsom of Norway.

The checkpoint is 827 miles (1,330 kilometers) into the 1,000-mile (1,600-kilometer) race across Alaska.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a frequent critic of the race, didn’t immediately return a message seeking comment Monday.

Petit said his dogs are well-fed and there’s no medical issue keeping them from getting up and running.

“It’s just a head thing,” he said. “We’ll see if one of these dog teams coming by will wake them up at all.”

For Petit, it’s another bad memory from the stretch between the Shaktoolik and Koyuk checkpoints.

He was in command of last year’s race when he got off trail during a blizzard and lost the lead. He wound up finishing second behind Ulsom.

“Something about right here, huh?” he mused.

The race started March 2 in Willow, just north of Anchorage. The course through the Alaska wilderness took mushers over two mountain ranges and the frozen Yukon River before they reached the treacherous Bering Sea coast.

The winner is expected to come off the sea ice and mush down Nome’s main street to the finish line sometime in the middle of the week.