The Bachelorette Recap Week 9: ARB wins! ARB wins!

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I’d like to start off by thanking everyone for all their hard work in getting to this point. Just like JoJo, I know we all lost faith in ARB at times, but in the end, we were also going to stay faithful to the only true winner of this “competition.”

But seriously, how many of you were sitting there before ARB’s letter to JoJo saying, “She’s gonna be Robby.” It’s OK, you can raise your hands. I know my faith wavered. The fiancee had already sold her property on ARB Island and moved into Robby’s condo in producer village.

Congrats everyone. We did it.

MVP

Like there was any choice other than Aaron Rodgers’ brother for this.

Look, there’s a 75 percent chance this relationship is PR orchestrated and 17 percent chance he’s already cheated on her, but who cares — it’s a freakin’ fake reality show about falling in love amid 30 other dudes in less time than it takes to get a U.S. passport. The only real challenger to ARB was Luke and we already covered why the producers wanted him out. Plus, for all the talk about ARB being fake or his act being an orchestrated plot to land on TV, did anyone ever actually buy a single thing Robby was saying? The dude basically read a bunch of Hallmark cards to JoJo for the past three weeks and suddenly he was the perfect guy.

The real question is how and when ARB will pop up on our TVs next. He’s probably not going to be in the Bachelor Extended Universe any time soon. Will he be the 17th guy on a college football pregame show this fall? Will he end up on QVC pitching his special line of diet products in the middle of the afternoon? He better figure out something. Fake relationships don’t pay for themselves.

DOesnt love

Post-show blues

It might’ve been the fact that I had to watch three hours straight of ARB and Co., but dear lord, he was as stiff as it gets on After the Final Rose. It was like watching a bad press conference for the quarterback on a 3-11 team trying to to hold on to his job for dear life after a three-INT, 5-for-21 performance.

Maybe it was the nature of live TV, but for a guy who seemed to charm everyone’s pants off (except JoJo’s mom) all season long, he was boring and totally unconvincing. “We can only focus on what we can control.”

Dude, you’re talking about your future wife, not a football game. Try to sound like a human being.

Robby will be fine

Cut the crocodile tears, you two-shirt-wearing, fake-hair-having dweeb. Robby didn’t care about marrying JoJo any more than ARB did. He was just more willing to do whatever the producers asked of him. And how come we just completely moved on from the whole “breaking up with the ex to go on the show” storyline when Robby met the family? The Brothers JoJo basically tried to bare-knuckle box Ben last season, but Robby gets a free pass.

I do appreciate how hard he tried to convince everyone that he truly cared about JoJo, even bringing the nervous energy to the aftershow. I can’t wait until he ends up as a red carpet correspondent for the TV Guide channel at the Golden Globes and we can all remember the brief seven minutes where he was relevant.

Robby cry

Family no drama

The only thing that was a bigger letdown than Luke not being in the finale was JoJo’s family. Her mom yelling at JoJo during the “did Jordan ask permission” segment was the only entertaining part. We got ZERO brothers-guys interaction. Her sister literally never said a word. Her parents just kept saying trust issues like they were singing along to Drake. I expected fireworks! Or at least mom downing a bottle of Moet while telling ARB he’ll never be as good as Ben.

Instead, we got some weird phone call where ARB asked for permission via speakerphone, a terrible hat … thing … and whatever the hell that was between JoJo and her brothers during the Robby date.

(Side note: I asked the fiancee how she would’ve reacted if I asked her parents for permission via FaceTime. Her response:

“I would’ve been so upset with you. I would’ve been so unbelievably upset because mom doesn’t know how to do it.”)

Relationship goals

I was going to put this in the random notes section, but I thought it deserved its own section:

There was NOTHING wrong with what ARB told JoJo after kayaking to that beach. How is he supposed to know that he wants to marry her after 3 months of her dating 28 other dudes? Basically, he was at the place you should be after three months when you’re really head over heals for the woman. You know you want to be with her. You know there’s no one else for you. But marriage? C’mon, man.

Mmhmm

Fiancee’s closing thoughts

Because I know the 17 people that read this come here for mostly for the fiancee’s thoughts, here are her best quotes/moments from last night’s finale:

  • “Those are disgustingly ugly rings. Like that is the ugliest f****** ring I’ve ever seen.” – on Robby’s ring
  • “What does he do? What. Does. He. Do?!” – on Robby
  • “Why does he always do the double-shirt thing?”

Random notes

  • WTF was with that weird Chad interjection into the middle of the aftershow?
    • Just kidding, please make him the Bachelor. I’d write this recap twice a week every week if you do.
  • How did Neil Lane land this gig? Did the main producer get a deal on his engagement ring like 15 years ago and now they have some lifetime contract with this dude? Does he ever give them rings that don’t like they got rejected by Jared?
  • Ben is so TV ready at all times. That dude is the worst and the best.
  • Seriously ARB — who thought those hats were a good idea?
  • I think Robby dresses like the physical manifestation of the Internet’s opinion of Florida.
  • Robby’s hair is not real. I’m sorry. It’s not real. The dude went swimming in the ocean and got out of the water looking like it never even moved. I’m calling major-league BS.
  • LOOSE LEAF PAPER, ROBBY? REALLY?!

Quotes of the week

Finally, the closing moment almost went to JoJo’s mom, but I think this quote from the fiancee sums this entire season up perfectly

“She disgusts me. This whole thing disgusts me.

(three-second pause)

Doesn’t mean I’m not watching another season.”

It’s been real, folks. I’m out!

Marcus Mariota can’t even explain his historic touchdown catch

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A touchdown pass to … yourself?!

That’s exactly what happened to Titans QB Marcus Mariota in Tennessee’s incredible 22-21 Wild Card victory over the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Chiefs were up 21-3 entering halftime and appeared to be well on their way to advancing to the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, but then Mariota made history with one of the craziest plays you’ll ever see:

With the six-yard touchdown, Mariota became the first player in NFL history to record a passing and receiving TD in a playoff game.

NFL Wild Card Weekend betting lines reflect recent favorites trend

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Wild Card Weekend has been ruled by favored teams recently – on the field, if not on the board. Favored teams are 10-2 straight-up in wild card games over the last three seasons. At the sportsbooks – and this seems germane with the home teams each laying at least six points this weekend – favorites are a more modest 7-4-1 against the spread.

The 2017 playoffs saw home teams go 4-0 SU and ATS in wild card games. Eighteen of the last 28 wild card games have gone under the posted total, with one push.

The Kansas City Chiefs are listed as 9-point favorites against the Tennessee Titans with a 44-point total at sportsbooks monitored by OddsShark.com in a Saturday matchup. The Chiefs are just 1-6 ATS in their last seven playoff games as a favorite, but QB Alex Smith has had a stronger second half of the season than Marcus Mariota, his Titans counterpart.

Tennessee, which is 5-1 ATS in its last six games against the Chiefs, could be compromised offensively if DeMarco Murray (knee) is unable to play and spell off team rushing leader Derrick Henry. The total has gone over in five of the Titans’ last seven games against the Chiefs.

The Los Angeles Rams are 6.5-point betting favorites against the Atlanta Falcons with a 48.5-point total in the late Saturday matchup. The Rams and first-time playoff QB Jared Goff are just 3-8 ATS in their last 11 home games. However, Los Angeles, which lost its regular-season finale against the San Francisco 49ers, is 5-0 SU in its last five games after a loss.

Falcons QB Matt Ryan, whose team is 10-3 ATS in its last 13 night games, will not have his optimal offensive line in front of him as LG Andy Levitre (triceps) is out for the season. The Rams defense, led by DT Aaron Donald, has the third-highest tally of interceptions. The total has gone under in the Falcons’ last five games.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are nine-point betting favorites against the Buffalo Bills with a 39.5-point total in a Sunday matchup between teams that had a combined 26-year playoff drought (since 1999 for the Bills; 2007 for the Jags). The visiting team is 5-1 ATS in the last six games of this matchup, but Buffalo will likely only stand a chance if RB LeSean McCoy (ankle sprain) is healthy enough to play; there is no way he will be 100 percent.

The Jaguars, who are only 4-13 SU in their last 17 home games against teams with winning records, must hope QB Blake Bortles has some recent regression out of his system. The total has gone over in the Bills’ last five games against the Jaguars.

And the New Orleans Saints are listed as seven-point favorites against the Carolina Panthers with a 48-point total in a late Sunday betting matchup. The Panthers and QB Cam Newton are 0-5-1 ATS in their last six tries against the NFC South rival Saints and also boast the NFL’s 28th-ranked passing attack while the Saints are fifth through the air (each team’s pass defense is right in the middle of the rankings).

New Orleans and veteran QB Drew Brees are 6-2 ATS in their last eight games against divisional opponents, as well as 5-0 SU in their last five home playoff games. The total has gone over in six of the Panthers’ last seven games against the Saints. The total has also gone over in five of the Saints’ last six games in the wild card round.

For more info, picks and a breakdown of this week’s top sports betting news check out the new OddsShark podcast with Jon Campbell and Andrew Avery. Subscribe on iTunes, or check it out at OddsShark.libsyn.com.