The Bachelorette Recap Week 9: ARB wins! ARB wins!

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I’d like to start off by thanking everyone for all their hard work in getting to this point. Just like JoJo, I know we all lost faith in ARB at times, but in the end, we were also going to stay faithful to the only true winner of this “competition.”

But seriously, how many of you were sitting there before ARB’s letter to JoJo saying, “She’s gonna be Robby.” It’s OK, you can raise your hands. I know my faith wavered. The fiancee had already sold her property on ARB Island and moved into Robby’s condo in producer village.

Congrats everyone. We did it.

MVP

Like there was any choice other than Aaron Rodgers’ brother for this.

Look, there’s a 75 percent chance this relationship is PR orchestrated and 17 percent chance he’s already cheated on her, but who cares — it’s a freakin’ fake reality show about falling in love amid 30 other dudes in less time than it takes to get a U.S. passport. The only real challenger to ARB was Luke and we already covered why the producers wanted him out. Plus, for all the talk about ARB being fake or his act being an orchestrated plot to land on TV, did anyone ever actually buy a single thing Robby was saying? The dude basically read a bunch of Hallmark cards to JoJo for the past three weeks and suddenly he was the perfect guy.

The real question is how and when ARB will pop up on our TVs next. He’s probably not going to be in the Bachelor Extended Universe any time soon. Will he be the 17th guy on a college football pregame show this fall? Will he end up on QVC pitching his special line of diet products in the middle of the afternoon? He better figure out something. Fake relationships don’t pay for themselves.

DOesnt love

Post-show blues

It might’ve been the fact that I had to watch three hours straight of ARB and Co., but dear lord, he was as stiff as it gets on After the Final Rose. It was like watching a bad press conference for the quarterback on a 3-11 team trying to to hold on to his job for dear life after a three-INT, 5-for-21 performance.

Maybe it was the nature of live TV, but for a guy who seemed to charm everyone’s pants off (except JoJo’s mom) all season long, he was boring and totally unconvincing. “We can only focus on what we can control.”

Dude, you’re talking about your future wife, not a football game. Try to sound like a human being.

Robby will be fine

Cut the crocodile tears, you two-shirt-wearing, fake-hair-having dweeb. Robby didn’t care about marrying JoJo any more than ARB did. He was just more willing to do whatever the producers asked of him. And how come we just completely moved on from the whole “breaking up with the ex to go on the show” storyline when Robby met the family? The Brothers JoJo basically tried to bare-knuckle box Ben last season, but Robby gets a free pass.

I do appreciate how hard he tried to convince everyone that he truly cared about JoJo, even bringing the nervous energy to the aftershow. I can’t wait until he ends up as a red carpet correspondent for the TV Guide channel at the Golden Globes and we can all remember the brief seven minutes where he was relevant.

Robby cry

Family no drama

The only thing that was a bigger letdown than Luke not being in the finale was JoJo’s family. Her mom yelling at JoJo during the “did Jordan ask permission” segment was the only entertaining part. We got ZERO brothers-guys interaction. Her sister literally never said a word. Her parents just kept saying trust issues like they were singing along to Drake. I expected fireworks! Or at least mom downing a bottle of Moet while telling ARB he’ll never be as good as Ben.

Instead, we got some weird phone call where ARB asked for permission via speakerphone, a terrible hat … thing … and whatever the hell that was between JoJo and her brothers during the Robby date.

(Side note: I asked the fiancee how she would’ve reacted if I asked her parents for permission via FaceTime. Her response:

“I would’ve been so upset with you. I would’ve been so unbelievably upset because mom doesn’t know how to do it.”)

Relationship goals

I was going to put this in the random notes section, but I thought it deserved its own section:

There was NOTHING wrong with what ARB told JoJo after kayaking to that beach. How is he supposed to know that he wants to marry her after 3 months of her dating 28 other dudes? Basically, he was at the place you should be after three months when you’re really head over heals for the woman. You know you want to be with her. You know there’s no one else for you. But marriage? C’mon, man.

Mmhmm

Fiancee’s closing thoughts

Because I know the 17 people that read this come here for mostly for the fiancee’s thoughts, here are her best quotes/moments from last night’s finale:

  • “Those are disgustingly ugly rings. Like that is the ugliest f****** ring I’ve ever seen.” – on Robby’s ring
  • “What does he do? What. Does. He. Do?!” – on Robby
  • “Why does he always do the double-shirt thing?”

Random notes

  • WTF was with that weird Chad interjection into the middle of the aftershow?
    • Just kidding, please make him the Bachelor. I’d write this recap twice a week every week if you do.
  • How did Neil Lane land this gig? Did the main producer get a deal on his engagement ring like 15 years ago and now they have some lifetime contract with this dude? Does he ever give them rings that don’t like they got rejected by Jared?
  • Ben is so TV ready at all times. That dude is the worst and the best.
  • Seriously ARB — who thought those hats were a good idea?
  • I think Robby dresses like the physical manifestation of the Internet’s opinion of Florida.
  • Robby’s hair is not real. I’m sorry. It’s not real. The dude went swimming in the ocean and got out of the water looking like it never even moved. I’m calling major-league BS.
  • LOOSE LEAF PAPER, ROBBY? REALLY?!

Quotes of the week

Finally, the closing moment almost went to JoJo’s mom, but I think this quote from the fiancee sums this entire season up perfectly

“She disgusts me. This whole thing disgusts me.

(three-second pause)

Doesn’t mean I’m not watching another season.”

It’s been real, folks. I’m out!

Patriots favored against Falcons in Super Bowl rematch

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It’s rare that the New England Patriots and Tom Brady are laying so few points at home, but then again, it’s been even longer since the Pats were dead last in the NFL in defense.

In a rematch of last season’s Super Bowl, if not necessarily a preview of this season’s, the Patriots are three-point favorites for Sunday night against the Atlanta Falcons with a 56.5-point total at sportsbooks monitored by OddsShark.com.

There have been only four games dating to 2009 when the Patriots were favored by 3.0 or fewer points in a regular-season home game, and they are 4-0 straight-up and 3-0-1 against the spread in that small sample. Counting Super Bowl LI, the Falcons are 0-5 SU and ATS in their last five games against the Patriots according to the OddsShark NFL Database.

The Patriots are 14-3 SU in their last 17 night games, but only 2-2 in the last four.

The Falcons, who are 3-2 SU and 2-3 ATS, are still a top-5 offense with QB Matt Ryan at the controls but have not shown the same dynamism they did while winning the NFC in 2016. New England has been dismal in coverage, ranking last in the NFL in yards per game (440.7) and yards per pass (8.6) allowed. Two of its top three cornerbacks, Stephen Gilmore (concussion) and Eric Rowe (groin), are iffy to play.

The Patriots might be stretched too thin to cover three-wideout looks with WRs Julio Jones, Mohamed Sanu and Taylor Gabriel; after all, this is a unit that was last seen allowing 354 yards to the New York Jets’ Josh McCown.

One reason why Atlanta is 9-2 SU and ATS in its last 11 road games is due to the stability of the 1-2 punch of RB Devonta Freeman and RB Tevin Coleman. One way to beat the Patriots is to outscore them, and Atlanta would seem to be capable of such if it curbs its turnover problems.

The Patriots, who are 4-2 SU and 2-4 ATS, are No. 1 in the NFL in total offense and passing yards thanks to Brady, TE Rob Gronkowski, WR Brandin Cooks and slot WRs Danny Amendola and Chris Hogan. The Falcons defense is allowing just 6.1 yards per pass, but it has not been making many disruption plays (12 sacks and only three takeaways), which teams need a few of against the Patriots in order to get Brady out of rhythm.

New England is 5-0 SU and ATS in its last five games against Atlanta but, of course, that required an epic combination of collapse and comeback during the Super Bowl. In the present, the Patriots offense is a little pass-heavy, ranking 21st in the NFL in yards per rush while relying mostly on RB Mike Gillislee. That’s unlikely to strike much fear into the hearts of Atlanta.

The game has the highest total of the week, but the total has gone over in 19 of the Falcons’ last 24 games and has also gone over in all three of the Patriots’ home games this season. The total has gone over in the Patriots’ last five games at home against teams with winning records.

For more info, picks and a breakdown of this week’s top sports betting news check out the new OddsShark podcast with Jon Campbell and Andrew Avery. Subscribe on iTunes, or check it out at OddsShark.libsyn.com.

Texans set to host Chiefs in a pick’em betting matchup on Sunday night

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The prospect of untested linemen trying to block the likes of J.J. Watt has the sharps projecting the Kansas City Chiefs for their first loss of the season. The Houston Texans and the Chiefs, the NFL’s last unbeaten team, meet in a Sunday Night Football matchup that has moved to a pick’em on the betting lines at sportsbooks monitored by OddsShark.com.

The Chiefs were initially laying 3.5 points against the Texans, who they are a 3-1 straight-up against in their last four meetings, but QB Alex Smith (ankle) might have to be careful with an injury, while various ailments will mean backups will step in for RG Laurent Duvernay-Tardif and C Mitch Morse.

Each team takes an extreme against-the-spread trend into this rematch. The Chiefs are 8-0 SU and ATS in their last eight road games. The Texans are 3-21-1 ATS in their last 25 games at night.

The Chiefs, who are 4-0 SU and ATS, have endless ways to attack a defense and get linebackers to take themselves out of the play. That could mean some big opportunities for RB Kareem Hunt in both the rushing and passing phases. Smith, who has the NFL’s highest passer rating, will need to be somewhat nimble to avoid the Texans’ fierce pass rush of Watt, OLB Jadeveon Clowney and OLB Whitney Mercilus.

Houston is allowing 7.6 yards per pass, 23rd in the NFL, so there’s questions of whether the Texans will be able to keep WR Tyreek Hill and TE Travis Kelce completely contained.

The Texans are 2-2 SU and 3-1 ATS. Three starts into his NFL career, QB Deshaun Watson has shown that his mobility and vision can flummox even legendary defensive minds such as New England coach Bill Belichick and Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau.

Against a pass rush that will once again not have OLB Dee Ford (back) to pair with OLB Justin Houston, Watson might be able to buy some time with his legs. That could give an extra advantage to the WR combo of Will Fuller and DeAndre Hopkins, who have a tough matchup on the outside against the CB tandem of Marcus Peters and Terrance Mitchell for some long-yardage strikes.

Houston is 1-8 SU in its last nine Week 5 games, but seem to finally have a balanced offense, with RB Lamar Miller churning out yards between the tackles and also catching short-range passes. The total has gone under in three of the Chiefs’ last four games against the Texans, according to the OddsShark NFL Database. The total has gone over in 11 of the Texans’ last 13 games in October.

For more info, picks and a breakdown of this week’s top sports betting news check out the new OddsShark podcast with Jon Campbell and Andrew Avery. Subscribe on iTunes, or check it out at OddsShark.libsyn.com.