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The Bachelorette Recap Week 8: It’s over now (basically)

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I hope you all enjoyed Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette, because once JoJo the producers sent Luke home, we’re basically just waiting for JoJo and ARB to break up a week after the finale so ARB can be the 17th guy on a football pregame show.

But since we still have a couple more recaps to go, let’s just get right into it

Bachelor party

I know we normally start with the MVP, but this is way more important.

The producers clearly had two choices entering the taping of the hometown and fantasy suite dates — prolong the Luke vs. ARB drama until the finale or bite the bullet for this season now and invest heavy in Luke The Bachelor. I can’t say I blame them for their choice. Goading Luke into his last-second display of love only to have JoJo crush him minutes later makes him as sympathetic a figure as possible. In fact, it might be borderline genius. Think of it —

  1. Stage the most romantic date possible for Luke and JoJo to make him look like more than a pretty face.
  2. Convince Luke to wait to tell JoJo he loves her until the rose ceremony.
  3. Tell JoJo she has to send Luke home.
  4. Wait for JoJo to stop begging to take Luke to the fantasy suite.
  5. Profit.

But seriously, the producers basically gave themselves two sympathetic, relatable candidates for next season’s Bachelor by forcing JoJo to eliminate Luke and Chase in the most humiliating and painful ways possible. Too bad neither of them will be even remotely interesting.

MVP

JoJo? I mean I don’t know who else to give it to this. At least JoJo called ARB out on his plans for the next year if she picked him. Of course, ARB tried to ply that smooth jazz he’s used over and over (and still kind of worked), telling JoJo he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Except JoJo’s response this time was “That’s what Ben said.”

Damn.

ARB did recover nicely enough. By the time their conversation at dinner was over, ARB once again had smoothed things out well enough. The only question left for these two is who gets what job after the show ends and do they announce the breakup immediately after the finale or wait a few weeks.

Romeo’s balcony

I normally don’t devote two categories to one person, but the goodbye scene between ARB and JoJo deserves it’s own breakdown. First of all, ARB is shirtless in sweatpants in a tropical environment. OK, fine — style over comfort. Second, he pulls the classic Bachelorette move of walking up to the balcony, leaning forward with both of his arms on the railing and staring off into the distance. Starting to get stupid, but this is campy reality TV, so I’ll buy it. But then, in the final and most ridiculous straw, the camera pans out from Jordan’s thoughtful moment to reveal JoJo walking directly below him on the beach below — except HE NEVER CHANGES HIS VIEW. I have seen some absolutely ridiculous things on this show, but this was a slap to the face.

Pawn star

Oh, Robby, you easily manipulated creeper. The only reason you’re still around is the producers can basically get you and your mom to do whatever they want. I’m not sure what Robby thinks he’s going to get out of this agreement, but I can almost guarantee what he actually gets isn’t what he thinks it is.

Robby is probably the least interesting competitor the producers could’ve picked to go up against ARB in the finale. But that tells you all you need to know about this season. They’ve already mailed it in.

Shock and awww

Man, I legitimately feel bad for Chase. He clearly knew he didn’t belong at this point of the competition. He even told JoJo she liked the other guys more than she liked him, but there he was, in the fantasy suite, thinking he had a shot. And then he drops the L bomb, and, boom. JoJo decides THAT’S the minute to call it quits and end this charade.

The worst part of it all is he only said it because JoJo basically goaded him into saying it. Hey, at least he got to come back for that totally useless goodbye scene with JoJo during the rose ceremony.

I think I’m becoming jaded.

 

Random notes

  • My favorite part of the rose ceremony was the monkeys and it’s not that close.
  • Did anyone else hear someone call this week “the romantic overnight dates” or was that just me? That was real, right?
  • Does anyone actually believe Robby’s dad wrote that note? Good, me neither.
  • I find it hilarious how all of them still say “Chris Harrison” at the end of reading the fantasy suite letter.
  • When Robby interrupted Chase’s date and came to JoJo’s room, I shouted “He pulled a Kayla!”
  • ARB was bored AF on that cave hiking date.

Quote of the week

“I was in love with her, but I never got the chance to love her.”

That’s deep, Luke. It’s also completely incomprehensible nonsense, which is a perfect segue for JoJo’s family next week! HEYO!

Video: Bowler sets record for quickest perfect game

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Ten lanes, 120 pins and 86.9 seconds.

That’s what it took for Ben Ketola to set the world record for quickest perfect game in bowling.

Ketola hustled from lane to lane at 281 Bowl in Cortland, N.Y., nailing strike after strike with his two-handed release on his way to a historic 300.

The United States Bowling Congress does not keep records for speed, but Ketola knocked off pro bowler Tom Dougherty’s 2015 time of 90.99 seconds.

After releasing what would be his 10th strike, Ketola decided to dart across the alley and take aim once again at the first lane, entirely neglecting that Lane 8 was primed and ready just two spots away from him.

Regardless, the move leaves room for the 23-year-old from Preble, N.Y. to shed some time on his next run.

Team Ninja Warrior premieres Tuesday on USA Network

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As if USA Network’s Tuesday night didn’t have enough firepower already, competition series Team Ninja Warrior will premier its 11-part second season on April 18 at 10 p.m. ET following WWE Smackdown.

Team Ninja Warrior, which is part of the Emmy-nominated franchise “American Ninja Warrior,” pits three-person squads against each other on side-by-side obstacle courses that will push the athletes’ endurance and speed. The series debuted on Esquire last year and became the network’s most popular original series for 2016.

“With this powerful franchise, we’re giving our passionate audience three full hours of jam-packed, high-stakes action every Tuesday night,” said Chris McCumber, President of Entertainment Networks at NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment.

This season, fan-favorite “American Ninja Warrior” competitors combine to form 28 teams, each with two men and one woman. The stars will battle for bragging rights and settle their rivalries on the warped wall and other demanding obstacles.

Jake Murray, Brian Arnold and Jennifer Tavernier enter the second season as returning champions with team Party Time. The group will be tested in its opening round, though, when it faces the Norcal Ninjas, comprised of David Campbell, Brian Kretsch and Anna Shumaker.

The first heat of their battle puts Murray, one of the fastest ninjas in the competition, against Kretsch, an experienced trainer who has run in every season of “American Ninja Warrior.”

Comedian Matt Iseman and former NFL player Akbar Gbaja-Biamila return to host series as Alex Curry joins the crew as a sideline reporter.