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The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: Wells done, awkward beefs and dumb kisses

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Welcome to the first Chad-less Bachelorette recap. Hopefully it’s better than the first Chad-less Bachelorette episode.

There were some interesting things (no, seriously, keep reading), but overall, it’s clear the producers are searching for drama without their only true villain. This week, they tried to kick up dust over a kiss that hadn’t happened and resorted to staging a second two-on-one date (apparently a big deal according to my fiancee’s breathless screams). So, with the material lacking, I’m going to do what every good Internet person does in my shoes — distract you with shiny GIFs!

Away we go…

MVP

My fiancee. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on for a second. Some of my favorite quotes from Monday’s commentary…

“STOP IT with that outfit!” (Big fan of JoJo’s red dress)

“****in’ pipsqueak!” (Not a big fan of Alex)

“Can we talk about how lame these two are at dancing? … Chase, show some passion! At least look like you give a **** — not like there’s a stick up your ass.” (Worst tango sequence ever?)

“Oh my god, you need so much validation, *****. You’re so basic!” (I think she’s getting tired of JoJo.)

“She’s ruining the show! … I guess I shouldn’t be mad, at least Alex’s pants fit!” (Well, at least there’s that.)

And now.. a tonally and situationally relevant GIF.

ARB vs. James Taylor

Pardon me if you’ve heard this before. Dude spends one-on-one time ranting about another dude to Bachelorette. Dude who was just trashed gets pulled aside by said Bachelorette. Dude who was trashed gets really upset, swirls his wine AGGRESSIVELY and questions the character of the dude who spoke out of school. Seriously guys, you’re all competing for a woman on a reality TV show. You don’t expect dudes to try to trash you to get you out of the picture? This was all so awkward.

(Side note: Is there a worse way to rebound from being called “entitled” than to stew silently in a skin-tight suit while swirling your wine like the most passive-aggressive sommelier ever?)

I guess this is a rivalry in the way that the Patriots and the Jets were a rivalry for like 14 months but really only in the minds of Jets fans.

ARB and Luke are almost assuredly the final two, so the rest of this awkward rivalry is basically just killing time until James Taylor tries to woo her with some terrible love ballad on a group date but gets sent home and then cries for 17 minutes straight.

The dumbest kiss ever

You know you’re desperate for storylines when you devote 45 minutes to whether or not two people on a dating show will finally kiss six episodes into the season.

Here’s a hint for Wells: If you haven’t kissed her when she’s making out with every other dude like they’re high school sophomores in the back seat of his dad’s car, you’re probably not long for this world.

That said, it felt like she really wanted to like him, but he just didn’t really want to be there. At least now we’re finally whittling out all the nerds/outsiders/awkward dudes and getting to the muscle-bound ego machines we all knew she was going to pick anyway.

Contender for the throne

I’ve been Team Jordan/ARB from the jump, but Luke is straight crushing things right now. The chemistry between Luke and JoJo during Monday night’s makeout session made my entire apartment a little uncomfortable.

Not that I blame her. Who could say no to this?

That’s one good-looking dude. I’m not sure I could even be mad at my fiancee if she came home and told me she made out with Luke.

Budget problems?

I’m not saying there are money issues here. I’m just gonna point out that they used the same building for like 3 or 4 dates in the same episode and just tried to shoot different rooms or re-arrange the furniture for each shot. Are you telling me there’s no places in Argentina for rent? Did they just wait until the last minute and then look around after arriving and realize, “Crap. We forgot to rent a building.”

They can’t rent out multiple buildings, but they’re dropping untold amounts of money on leather jackets for everyone.

Random notes

  • No country concert! Proud of you guys.
  • Robbie and ARB have the same hair, but Robbie’s product game is way better. Get your product game together, Jordan.
  • Super awkward moment when James Taylor finished trashing ARB and then asked JoJo for a kiss.
  • Does Chase have the ability to move his face?
  • Alex might be as big of a villain as Chad, but he’s way too annoying and needy to be interesting. He’ll be gone next week.

Quote of the night

This goes to ARB, but not so much for the actual quote as to the exchange it led to between my friend and her husband, who shall remain nameless.

ARB quote: “You’re the person I want to do life with.”

Which led to…

Wife: “I wanna do life with you.”

Husband: “Not tonight, babe. Not tonight.”

Nassar victim: Michigan State leader offered secret payoff

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LANSING, Mich. – A sexual assault victim of former sports doctor Larry Nassar confronted Michigan State University officials on Friday, alleging the school’s interim leader offered a payoff to settle her lawsuit and pressured her to do so without her attorney present.

Kaylee Lorincz spoke during a contentious board of trustees meeting, where interim President John Engler expressed regret over the university’s response to another woman’s federal lawsuit over the schools handling of rape allegations involving basketball players. Lorincz, who has said Larry Nassar sexually assaulted her when she sought treatment for back pain, said Engler and his attorney offered her $250,000 when the teen and her mother were at the school a few weeks ago to sign up to speak at Friday’s meeting.

According to Lorincz, Engler said to her, “Right now if I wrote you a check for $250,000 would you take it?”

Lorincz said Engler also claimed another Nassar victim had given him an amount she would consider to settle with the university. Lorincz said she felt “bullied” by the encounter.

Engler didn’t immediately respond to her comments. His spokeswoman, Emily Guerrant, said she was in the room during the conversation and does not remember Engler offering a dollar figure.

“My interpretation of the discussion was not that he was saying, `I’m offering you $250,000,”‘ she said. “It was a discussion about the civil litigation and how it was going on.”

Lorincz addressed Engler in a room brimming with protesters, parents and sexual assault victims of Nassar, now serving decades in prison for molesting women and girls and for possessing child pornography. Lorincz was among roughly 250 women who gave statements earlier this year during Nassar’s sentencing hearings in two Michigan courtrooms.

In a separate case, a woman filed a lawsuit Monday saying the university’s counselors discouraged her from filing a police report after three Michigan State basketball players allegedly raped her in 2015. She accuses the school of violating Title IX protocol and claims staff made it clear that “she faced an uphill battle that would create anxiety and unwanted media attention” should she report her rape.

The university’s immediate response to reporters asking about the lawsuit was to decline comment. But on Wednesday it issued a lengthy statement that detailed staff interaction with the woman.

The university faced criticism over that response from people who say it violated privacy laws.

Engler acknowledged Friday that the school “provided an unnecessary amount of detail” about the case, saying some people saw the response as “violating privacy expectations.”

Engler became interim president after Lou Anna Simon resigned in January hours after Nassar was sentenced to decades in prison for crimes involving Michigan State athletes. Students remain anxious over the future course of the university, which has yet to choose a permanent replacement for Simon.

In Friday’s board meeting, Engler attempted to steer focus toward celebrating milestones of the university’s graduating seniors but was frequently usurped by boos and jeers from a crowd clad in teal shirts with the phrase, “I stand with the sister survivors (hash)MeTooMSU.” Some Nassar victims wrapped their mouths with black bands that had the phrase “Silenced” scrawled over them.

Parents of victims were left in the lobby downstairs because their posters of their children’s faces were considered “signs” and thus barred from the meeting room. Protesters who were able to attend instead held up cellphones with childhood pictures of victims.

During the meeting, Engler proposed a 2.97 percent tuition increase, the third lowest in 20 years. Earlier he had teased the possibility of heavy tuition increases should the school’s lawsuits over the Nassar controversy continue to snowball financially.

During public testimony, Engler and his board were castigated for how he handled the public fallout over the past few months and repeatedly told to resign.

“You sponsored my assault,” dancer Morgan McCaul, a Nassar victim, said. “Your time is up. Resign.”

As McCaul’s testimony concluded, the crowd joined her in chanting, “Shame on you,” at the board.

Sportscaster Dick Enberg dies at 82

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SAN DIEGO — Dick Enberg, the longtime sportscaster who got his big break with UCLA basketball and went on to call Super Bowls, Olympics, Final Fours and Angels and Padres baseball games, died Thursday. He was 82.

Engberg’s daughter, Nicole, confirmed the death to The Associated Press. She said the family became concerned when he didn’t arrive on his flight to Boston on Thursday, and that he was found dead at his home in La Jolla, a San Diego neighborhood, with his bags packed.

“He was dressed with his bags packed at the door,” wife Barbara told the Union-Tribune. “We think it was a heart attack.”

Enberg retired in October 2016 after a 60-year career – and countless calls of “Oh my!” in describing a play that nearly defied description. He also was well-known for his baseball catchphrase of “Touch `em all” for home runs.

Raised in Armada, Michigan, Enberg’s first radio job was actually as a radio station custodian in Mount Pleasant, Michigan, when he was a junior at Central Michigan. He made $1 an hour. The owner also gave him weekend sports and disc jockey gigs, also at $1 an hour. From there he began doing high school and college football games.

During his nine years broadcasting UCLA basketball, the Bruins won eight NCAA titles. Enberg broadcast nine no-hitters, including two by San Francisco’s Tim Lincecum against the Padres in 2013 and 2014.

He said the most historically important event he covered was “The Game of the Century,” Houston’s victory over UCLA in 1968 that snapped the Bruins’ 47-game winning streak.

“That was the platform from which college basketball’s popularity was sent into the stratosphere,” Enberg said. “The `79 game, the Magic-Bird game, everyone wants to credit that as the greatest game of all time That was just the booster rocket that sent it even higher. … UCLA, unbeaten; Houston, unbeaten. And then the thing that had to happen, and Coach Wooden hated when I said this, but UCLA had to lose. That became a monumental event.”

Enberg’s many former broadcast partners included Merlin Olsen, Al McGuire, Billy Packer, Don Drysdale and Tony Gwynn. He even worked a few games with Wooden, whom he called “The greatest man I’ve ever known other than my own father.” Enberg called Padres games for seven seasons and went into the broadcasters’ wing of the Hall of Fame in 2015.

John Ireland, the radio voice of the Los Angeles Lakers, tweeted that “If there was a Mount Rushmore of LA Sports Announcers, Dick Enberg is on it with Chick Hearn, Vin Scully and Bob Miller. Rams, Angels, UCLA, NBC, and so much more. Was the first famous announcer I ever met, and he couldn’t have been nicer. Definition of a gentleman.”

Enberg won 13 Sports Emmy Awards and a Lifetime Achievement Emmy. He received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and UCLA named its Media Center in Pauley Pavilion after Enberg this year.

“Kindest, most proactive possible treatment of newcomers in this business, for the length of his career,” broadcaster Keith Olbermann said of Enberg on Twitter. “What a terrible loss.”