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The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: Wells done, awkward beefs and dumb kisses

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Welcome to the first Chad-less Bachelorette recap. Hopefully it’s better than the first Chad-less Bachelorette episode.

There were some interesting things (no, seriously, keep reading), but overall, it’s clear the producers are searching for drama without their only true villain. This week, they tried to kick up dust over a kiss that hadn’t happened and resorted to staging a second two-on-one date (apparently a big deal according to my fiancee’s breathless screams). So, with the material lacking, I’m going to do what every good Internet person does in my shoes — distract you with shiny GIFs!

Away we go…

MVP

My fiancee. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on for a second. Some of my favorite quotes from Monday’s commentary…

“STOP IT with that outfit!” (Big fan of JoJo’s red dress)

“****in’ pipsqueak!” (Not a big fan of Alex)

“Can we talk about how lame these two are at dancing? … Chase, show some passion! At least look like you give a **** — not like there’s a stick up your ass.” (Worst tango sequence ever?)

“Oh my god, you need so much validation, *****. You’re so basic!” (I think she’s getting tired of JoJo.)

“She’s ruining the show! … I guess I shouldn’t be mad, at least Alex’s pants fit!” (Well, at least there’s that.)

And now.. a tonally and situationally relevant GIF.

ARB vs. James Taylor

Pardon me if you’ve heard this before. Dude spends one-on-one time ranting about another dude to Bachelorette. Dude who was just trashed gets pulled aside by said Bachelorette. Dude who was trashed gets really upset, swirls his wine AGGRESSIVELY and questions the character of the dude who spoke out of school. Seriously guys, you’re all competing for a woman on a reality TV show. You don’t expect dudes to try to trash you to get you out of the picture? This was all so awkward.

(Side note: Is there a worse way to rebound from being called “entitled” than to stew silently in a skin-tight suit while swirling your wine like the most passive-aggressive sommelier ever?)

I guess this is a rivalry in the way that the Patriots and the Jets were a rivalry for like 14 months but really only in the minds of Jets fans.

ARB and Luke are almost assuredly the final two, so the rest of this awkward rivalry is basically just killing time until James Taylor tries to woo her with some terrible love ballad on a group date but gets sent home and then cries for 17 minutes straight.

The dumbest kiss ever

You know you’re desperate for storylines when you devote 45 minutes to whether or not two people on a dating show will finally kiss six episodes into the season.

Here’s a hint for Wells: If you haven’t kissed her when she’s making out with every other dude like they’re high school sophomores in the back seat of his dad’s car, you’re probably not long for this world.

That said, it felt like she really wanted to like him, but he just didn’t really want to be there. At least now we’re finally whittling out all the nerds/outsiders/awkward dudes and getting to the muscle-bound ego machines we all knew she was going to pick anyway.

Contender for the throne

I’ve been Team Jordan/ARB from the jump, but Luke is straight crushing things right now. The chemistry between Luke and JoJo during Monday night’s makeout session made my entire apartment a little uncomfortable.

Not that I blame her. Who could say no to this?

That’s one good-looking dude. I’m not sure I could even be mad at my fiancee if she came home and told me she made out with Luke.

Budget problems?

I’m not saying there are money issues here. I’m just gonna point out that they used the same building for like 3 or 4 dates in the same episode and just tried to shoot different rooms or re-arrange the furniture for each shot. Are you telling me there’s no places in Argentina for rent? Did they just wait until the last minute and then look around after arriving and realize, “Crap. We forgot to rent a building.”

They can’t rent out multiple buildings, but they’re dropping untold amounts of money on leather jackets for everyone.

Random notes

  • No country concert! Proud of you guys.
  • Robbie and ARB have the same hair, but Robbie’s product game is way better. Get your product game together, Jordan.
  • Super awkward moment when James Taylor finished trashing ARB and then asked JoJo for a kiss.
  • Does Chase have the ability to move his face?
  • Alex might be as big of a villain as Chad, but he’s way too annoying and needy to be interesting. He’ll be gone next week.

Quote of the night

This goes to ARB, but not so much for the actual quote as to the exchange it led to between my friend and her husband, who shall remain nameless.

ARB quote: “You’re the person I want to do life with.”

Which led to…

Wife: “I wanna do life with you.”

Husband: “Not tonight, babe. Not tonight.”

Sports world goes all-in on 2017 solar eclipse

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Nick Saban may not have had any interest in checking out today’s much-hyped solar eclipse, but he seems to be the only one in the sports world.

At least according to these epic #SolarEclipse2017 sports Twitter moments.

The NASCAR community was on point with their eclipse celebrations, seriously you’re missing out if you’re not following any of these teams/drivers on Twitter.

But they weren’t the only ones.

Justin Rose, Rickie Fowler, Jason Day and Billy Horschel weren’t the only golfers taking in the views (with proper glasses), Tiger Woods bought into the hype too.

The Rome Braves had their break, but Bartolo Colon watching the eclipse will be your moment of zen.

And remember, if you were truly amazed by #SolarEclipse2017 goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has some more mind-blowing universal knowledge for you.

Helicopter carrying WWE exec makes emergency ocean landing

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GILGO BEACH, N.Y. (AP) The son of World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Vince McMahon has been rescued unhurt from a helicopter that made an emergency landing in the ocean waters off New York.

Shane McMahon was the passenger in the Robinson R 44 helicopter that came down in the Atlantic Ocean off Long Island’s Gilgo Beach late Wednesday morning. The red aircraft could be seen bobbing on its bright yellow pontoons as small boats circled.

Shane McMahon is also a WWE executive. His mother is Linda McMahon, who heads the Small Business Administration in President Donald Trump’s White House.

The Federal Aviation Administration says the helicopter had taken off from Westchester County Airport in White Plains. The pilot issued a mayday call before going into the water.

It’s not yet clear what went wrong.