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The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: Wells done, awkward beefs and dumb kisses

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Welcome to the first Chad-less Bachelorette recap. Hopefully it’s better than the first Chad-less Bachelorette episode.

There were some interesting things (no, seriously, keep reading), but overall, it’s clear the producers are searching for drama without their only true villain. This week, they tried to kick up dust over a kiss that hadn’t happened and resorted to staging a second two-on-one date (apparently a big deal according to my fiancee’s breathless screams). So, with the material lacking, I’m going to do what every good Internet person does in my shoes — distract you with shiny GIFs!

Away we go…

MVP

My fiancee. Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on for a second. Some of my favorite quotes from Monday’s commentary…

“STOP IT with that outfit!” (Big fan of JoJo’s red dress)

“****in’ pipsqueak!” (Not a big fan of Alex)

“Can we talk about how lame these two are at dancing? … Chase, show some passion! At least look like you give a **** — not like there’s a stick up your ass.” (Worst tango sequence ever?)

“Oh my god, you need so much validation, *****. You’re so basic!” (I think she’s getting tired of JoJo.)

“She’s ruining the show! … I guess I shouldn’t be mad, at least Alex’s pants fit!” (Well, at least there’s that.)

And now.. a tonally and situationally relevant GIF.

ARB vs. James Taylor

Pardon me if you’ve heard this before. Dude spends one-on-one time ranting about another dude to Bachelorette. Dude who was just trashed gets pulled aside by said Bachelorette. Dude who was trashed gets really upset, swirls his wine AGGRESSIVELY and questions the character of the dude who spoke out of school. Seriously guys, you’re all competing for a woman on a reality TV show. You don’t expect dudes to try to trash you to get you out of the picture? This was all so awkward.

(Side note: Is there a worse way to rebound from being called “entitled” than to stew silently in a skin-tight suit while swirling your wine like the most passive-aggressive sommelier ever?)

I guess this is a rivalry in the way that the Patriots and the Jets were a rivalry for like 14 months but really only in the minds of Jets fans.

ARB and Luke are almost assuredly the final two, so the rest of this awkward rivalry is basically just killing time until James Taylor tries to woo her with some terrible love ballad on a group date but gets sent home and then cries for 17 minutes straight.

The dumbest kiss ever

You know you’re desperate for storylines when you devote 45 minutes to whether or not two people on a dating show will finally kiss six episodes into the season.

Here’s a hint for Wells: If you haven’t kissed her when she’s making out with every other dude like they’re high school sophomores in the back seat of his dad’s car, you’re probably not long for this world.

That said, it felt like she really wanted to like him, but he just didn’t really want to be there. At least now we’re finally whittling out all the nerds/outsiders/awkward dudes and getting to the muscle-bound ego machines we all knew she was going to pick anyway.

Contender for the throne

I’ve been Team Jordan/ARB from the jump, but Luke is straight crushing things right now. The chemistry between Luke and JoJo during Monday night’s makeout session made my entire apartment a little uncomfortable.

Not that I blame her. Who could say no to this?

That’s one good-looking dude. I’m not sure I could even be mad at my fiancee if she came home and told me she made out with Luke.

Budget problems?

I’m not saying there are money issues here. I’m just gonna point out that they used the same building for like 3 or 4 dates in the same episode and just tried to shoot different rooms or re-arrange the furniture for each shot. Are you telling me there’s no places in Argentina for rent? Did they just wait until the last minute and then look around after arriving and realize, “Crap. We forgot to rent a building.”

They can’t rent out multiple buildings, but they’re dropping untold amounts of money on leather jackets for everyone.

Random notes

  • No country concert! Proud of you guys.
  • Robbie and ARB have the same hair, but Robbie’s product game is way better. Get your product game together, Jordan.
  • Super awkward moment when James Taylor finished trashing ARB and then asked JoJo for a kiss.
  • Does Chase have the ability to move his face?
  • Alex might be as big of a villain as Chad, but he’s way too annoying and needy to be interesting. He’ll be gone next week.

Quote of the night

This goes to ARB, but not so much for the actual quote as to the exchange it led to between my friend and her husband, who shall remain nameless.

ARB quote: “You’re the person I want to do life with.”

Which led to…

Wife: “I wanna do life with you.”

Husband: “Not tonight, babe. Not tonight.”

Video: Bowler sets record for quickest perfect game

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Ten lanes, 120 pins and 86.9 seconds.

That’s what it took for Ben Ketola to set the world record for quickest perfect game in bowling.

Ketola hustled from lane to lane at 281 Bowl in Cortland, N.Y., nailing strike after strike with his two-handed release on his way to a historic 300.

The United States Bowling Congress does not keep records for speed, but Ketola knocked off pro bowler Tom Dougherty’s 2015 time of 90.99 seconds.

After releasing what would be his 10th strike, Ketola decided to dart across the alley and take aim once again at the first lane, entirely neglecting that Lane 8 was primed and ready just two spots away from him.

Regardless, the move leaves room for the 23-year-old from Preble, N.Y. to shed some time on his next run.

Team Ninja Warrior premieres Tuesday on USA Network

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As if USA Network’s Tuesday night didn’t have enough firepower already, competition series Team Ninja Warrior will premier its 11-part second season on April 18 at 10 p.m. ET following WWE Smackdown.

Team Ninja Warrior, which is part of the Emmy-nominated franchise “American Ninja Warrior,” pits three-person squads against each other on side-by-side obstacle courses that will push the athletes’ endurance and speed. The series debuted on Esquire last year and became the network’s most popular original series for 2016.

“With this powerful franchise, we’re giving our passionate audience three full hours of jam-packed, high-stakes action every Tuesday night,” said Chris McCumber, President of Entertainment Networks at NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment.

This season, fan-favorite “American Ninja Warrior” competitors combine to form 28 teams, each with two men and one woman. The stars will battle for bragging rights and settle their rivalries on the warped wall and other demanding obstacles.

Jake Murray, Brian Arnold and Jennifer Tavernier enter the second season as returning champions with team Party Time. The group will be tested in its opening round, though, when it faces the Norcal Ninjas, comprised of David Campbell, Brian Kretsch and Anna Shumaker.

The first heat of their battle puts Murray, one of the fastest ninjas in the competition, against Kretsch, an experienced trainer who has run in every season of “American Ninja Warrior.”

Comedian Matt Iseman and former NFL player Akbar Gbaja-Biamila return to host series as Alex Curry joins the crew as a sideline reporter.