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The Bachelorette Recap Week 4: ARB Shining, Gross Gossip Mags and Cupcake Cake

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Man, it’s been a long two weeks hasn’t it? I mean, sure, we got that epic Game 5 in which LeBron essentially unfurled on everyone and started his march toward the greatest three-game run in the history of ever. BUT NOW, we got our conclusion to the Chad Saga, a NEW (different and wholly disgusting) Chad Saga and the rise of Alex the Ass. But really, Monday night’s episode should be known as the one when Aaron Rodgers’ brother just dunked on EVERYONE in the house, including JoJo.

So, without further adieu:

MVP

ARB might not have gone full LeBron on the house, but his pull JoJo behind the wall move during the first rose ceremony was a strong move. Any time my fiancee turns me and says, “you can do that,” you’re doing OK, ARB.

On a related note, ARB looked to be in rough shape after JoJo essentially asked him if he cheated on his last girlfriend. The body language of not saying anything, stopping dead in your tracks and pausing to drink — not so good. But the way he recovered and eventually spun it into making her feel bad about even asking was pretty effing smooth, even if he was polishing a turd.

The only concern for ARB is he’s quickly becoming the main target of the other guys in the house. As soon as they read his name on the solo date card (after the group date rose), you could literally see every other dude shoot daggers into his smug, smiling face. The producers are clearly setting up the “ARB only wants to be famous” storyline for at least the next two to three weeks.

LVP

Look, I get that as a producer of a reality TV show that’s been on the air for like two decades (is this right? I’m not checking it), you need to sometimes generate some storylines. Sometimes, you even have to get into some sticky, not-so-nice, probably-morally-questionable territory to do that. But the gossip mag storyline last night was just freakin’ gross. Does anyone believe for a second that Vinny just HAPPENED to have that specific gossip mag with a story from JoJo’s ex about how JoJo just wants to be famous? It was the most blatant producer plant I’ve seen and it would’ve only been a little gross if they left it there. But when they waited for JoJo to be deliriously happy and then shoved the mag in her face, said “we need to address this” and said the guys have seen it (like they just “found” it) — I mean, c’mon, man. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me feel gross and dirty and uncomfortable in a really bad way. It didn’t help anyone other than the producers and it made for terrible, awkward and unenjoyable television.

What a waste

Speaking of producer decisions, what a weird call to have that stupid Chad segment this week and hold it over everyone like some huge cliffhanger. I haven’t been that disappointed in a “to be continued” since all of the Matrix movies.

Cupcake questions

I have so many questions about the cupcake cake they smashed into Alex’s face in celebration of Chad’s exit. In order:

  • Where did the cupcake cake come from? Did the producers have it waiting? Did they have to go out and order it?
  • Was it the producers’ idea to have it or did the guys ask for it?
  • Was it made at Stop N’ Shop?
  • Who brought the party hats and the road flare?
    • Is the road flare a fire hazard or does Western PA just roll like that?
  • What was the ordering process like at the store where they got the cupcake cake?
  • Was there anything written on it?
  • Was it in the shape of Chad’s face or was it just a shapeless blob?

If you have any answers to these questions, please let me know @cgriffin415 on Twitter.

Alex is the new Chad

Now that Chad is gone, it’s clear Alex is getting the bully/villain edit. He got made to look like a serious (word we can’t say here) for most of the second half of Monday’s episode.

Too soon, bros

I lost count how many times my fiancee got audibly and physically upset at these dudes telling JoJo they loved her after a month. It’s a wonder these relationships don’t last.

Thing I learned about my fiancee

She HATES poetry. Like, ridiculously hardcore hates it. Her response to James’ poem to JoJo was as follows:

“I don’t think I’d like you if you wrote me poems…

*Full pause*

“They’re for pansies.”

Random notes

  • Vinny and Evan lasted two episodes longer than I thought, but there was no chance of them or Wells (who survives again despite doing nothing) making it past the midway point.
  • It boggles my mind that these dudes let Vinny cut their hair. Have they not seen his haircut?
  • Would it take longer to get from Western PA to Eastern PA than to fly to Uruguay from Pittsburgh? I think yes.
  • Do the bachelor/bachelorette ever got drunk with the contestants? I’m talking rip-roaring, holding-each-other-up-as-you-stumble-home drunk. How could you possibly know if you can stand to spend your life with someone if you don’t even know if you like them drunk?
  • These dudes got really mad at Derek for taking their time away from JoJo when there was no time with JoJo anyway.
  • RIP Drunk Canadian Dude, who was definitely a package deal with Chad.
  • Swim shoes are never sexy.

Quote of the week

This week’s gem comes from Drunk Canadian Dude, who struggled to find words after he was bounced by JoJo.

“If this was based on looks, I’d still be here. I’m a great catch … I got a better chance of.. of getting struck by lightning…

*full 15-second pause*

“…while shaving my face.”

Welp.

Video: Bowler sets record for quickest perfect game

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Ten lanes, 120 pins and 86.9 seconds.

That’s what it took for Ben Ketola to set the world record for quickest perfect game in bowling.

Ketola hustled from lane to lane at 281 Bowl in Cortland, N.Y., nailing strike after strike with his two-handed release on his way to a historic 300.

The United States Bowling Congress does not keep records for speed, but Ketola knocked off pro bowler Tom Dougherty’s 2015 time of 90.99 seconds.

After releasing what would be his 10th strike, Ketola decided to dart across the alley and take aim once again at the first lane, entirely neglecting that Lane 8 was primed and ready just two spots away from him.

Regardless, the move leaves room for the 23-year-old from Preble, N.Y. to shed some time on his next run.

Team Ninja Warrior premieres Tuesday on USA Network

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As if USA Network’s Tuesday night didn’t have enough firepower already, competition series Team Ninja Warrior will premier its 11-part second season on April 18 at 10 p.m. ET following WWE Smackdown.

Team Ninja Warrior, which is part of the Emmy-nominated franchise “American Ninja Warrior,” pits three-person squads against each other on side-by-side obstacle courses that will push the athletes’ endurance and speed. The series debuted on Esquire last year and became the network’s most popular original series for 2016.

“With this powerful franchise, we’re giving our passionate audience three full hours of jam-packed, high-stakes action every Tuesday night,” said Chris McCumber, President of Entertainment Networks at NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment.

This season, fan-favorite “American Ninja Warrior” competitors combine to form 28 teams, each with two men and one woman. The stars will battle for bragging rights and settle their rivalries on the warped wall and other demanding obstacles.

Jake Murray, Brian Arnold and Jennifer Tavernier enter the second season as returning champions with team Party Time. The group will be tested in its opening round, though, when it faces the Norcal Ninjas, comprised of David Campbell, Brian Kretsch and Anna Shumaker.

The first heat of their battle puts Murray, one of the fastest ninjas in the competition, against Kretsch, an experienced trainer who has run in every season of “American Ninja Warrior.”

Comedian Matt Iseman and former NFL player Akbar Gbaja-Biamila return to host series as Alex Curry joins the crew as a sideline reporter.