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The Bachelorette Recap Week 1: Aaron Rodgers’ Brother and Drunk Dudes

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Some things you should know before reading: I started watching the Bachelor about a year ago, late into the season with that farmer from the Midwest who always seemed like dating him was more trouble than it was worth. Bachelor in Paradise is, in my personal opinion, the pinnacle of the Bachelor universe. And finally, if MTV’s The Challenge is the fifth major sport (as Bill Simmons hypothesized), then it appears The Bachelor has become the sixth.

Which is all to say, there’s a former NFL quarterback (technically) on this season of the Bachelorette, so that makes this all fair game for a recap from a sports site because the Internet is a wonderful place and you’ll all click on these things.

So let’s jump into a totally incomplete and hastily-cobbled-together musing of thoughts, observations and mean comments about real people on a fake TV show.

MVP

Aaron Rodgers’ brother made a better play in his first 30 seconds on screen than he did in pretty much the entirety of his professional football career. The chemistry between JoJo (the Bachelorette in case you’re unawares) and Aaron Rodgers’ brother was strong enough that he got a “real” kiss and had her talking about his butt for roughly 15 seconds.

Some other thoughts on Aaron Rodgers’ brother:

  • I haven’t seen many of these things, but it seems to be the first impression rose is important and he got it.
  • He was all over the “This season on…” preview montage with a whole bunch of angry dudes trying to tell JoJo that he’s “not here for the right reasons.” That seems to be a common trope on these seasons, but the Aaron Rodgers’ brother vs. Everybody narrative is particularly compelling.
  • My fiancée called him the winner roughly a minute into him being on the screen, so that’s probably worth something.

Second MVP

Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s hair.

Drunk people!

So dudes get drunk on this. Like, really drunk. At one point, the Drunk Canadian Dude appeared to be ordering half the bar, so it’s probably not a huge surprise he ended up taking his clothes off and jumping from the balcony into the pool. Considering that the episode started in pitch blackness and ended with the sun coming up, it’s a miracle three-quarters of the house doesn’t resemble the The 13th Step at 3:45 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Side note: DCD (Drunk Canadian Dude) and Florida Barber are the early leaders in the clubhouse for “producer’s choice.”

Short people

Not so much a revelation, but it felt like there were a lot of height-challenged individuals this season.

Things I learned about my fiancée last night

She was once hit on by the “weirdo from Jersey City” (her words). So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Quote of the night

This will probably be from the show at some point, but the best last night was from my future mother-in-law:

“I think the Chinese Scot is cute. The rest are yucky.”

BUCKLE UP.

Video: Bowler sets record for quickest perfect game

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Ten lanes, 120 pins and 86.9 seconds.

That’s what it took for Ben Ketola to set the world record for quickest perfect game in bowling.

Ketola hustled from lane to lane at 281 Bowl in Cortland, N.Y., nailing strike after strike with his two-handed release on his way to a historic 300.

The United States Bowling Congress does not keep records for speed, but Ketola knocked off pro bowler Tom Dougherty’s 2015 time of 90.99 seconds.

After releasing what would be his 10th strike, Ketola decided to dart across the alley and take aim once again at the first lane, entirely neglecting that Lane 8 was primed and ready just two spots away from him.

Regardless, the move leaves room for the 23-year-old from Preble, N.Y. to shed some time on his next run.

Team Ninja Warrior premieres Tuesday on USA Network

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As if USA Network’s Tuesday night didn’t have enough firepower already, competition series Team Ninja Warrior will premier its 11-part second season on April 18 at 10 p.m. ET following WWE Smackdown.

Team Ninja Warrior, which is part of the Emmy-nominated franchise “American Ninja Warrior,” pits three-person squads against each other on side-by-side obstacle courses that will push the athletes’ endurance and speed. The series debuted on Esquire last year and became the network’s most popular original series for 2016.

“With this powerful franchise, we’re giving our passionate audience three full hours of jam-packed, high-stakes action every Tuesday night,” said Chris McCumber, President of Entertainment Networks at NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment.

This season, fan-favorite “American Ninja Warrior” competitors combine to form 28 teams, each with two men and one woman. The stars will battle for bragging rights and settle their rivalries on the warped wall and other demanding obstacles.

Jake Murray, Brian Arnold and Jennifer Tavernier enter the second season as returning champions with team Party Time. The group will be tested in its opening round, though, when it faces the Norcal Ninjas, comprised of David Campbell, Brian Kretsch and Anna Shumaker.

The first heat of their battle puts Murray, one of the fastest ninjas in the competition, against Kretsch, an experienced trainer who has run in every season of “American Ninja Warrior.”

Comedian Matt Iseman and former NFL player Akbar Gbaja-Biamila return to host series as Alex Curry joins the crew as a sideline reporter.